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Apologies [08 Dec 2017|11:41pm]

The verbal part of an apology is the smallest component. The true apology, the second part of it, is when you never do that thing you're apologizing for doing, again. But then there is the bulk of it, which is when you actively work at being a better person, this is the true growth of character that makes you a better person. You take that thing you did, no matter how grievous the thing you did was, and you never forget that you did that...and you always try to balance the scales. Your ultimate apology is you're always trying to make this world just a bit better in someway, while never doing that bad thing you did again, and always learning and growing to be a better person. Yea, it ain't easy, but being a good person is not always easy, but being a decent human being ain't that hard either.

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feelings [08 Dec 2017|01:29pm]
feelings are really fucking stupid and i don't want them anymore
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i miss you and it hurts [09 Nov 2017|05:16am]
i miss you so fucking much

it hurts every time you talk to me even though i still kind of want you to.
it hurts that i'm curious about your personal life even though it's none of my business now and i know you're seeing other people anyway and i'm not ready to actually hear it from you because it will just hurt more.
it hurts that i brought all this on myself and i still can't fix anything or feel better.
it hurts that i lost one of my best friends and it's my fault even though we will probably never have the relationship or friendship we used to.
it hurts feeling like i have no one, even though i know i have people i can talk to but it isn't the same as being around someone.
it hurts because realistically i'll never really trust again and I never ever feel safe even though i can handle myself.
it hurts not being able to sleep and continually being alone with my thoughts no matter what i'm doing.
it hurts being this alone and not having a real way to connect with anyone.
it hurts being in constant physical pain in one form or another with no way to help except regular massages i can't really afford.
it hurts that nothing anyone says or suggests helps me in any way and then it hurts them too that they couldn't help which also hurts me more.
it hurts crying every day and night and not knowing what to do about it or how to change.
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Overwhelmed [07 Nov 2017|09:11pm]

life still feels really difficult

constantly feeling conflicted with "did i make the right decision"-itus. i miss him. i miss the comforting attention he always gave. it hits so much more now and i thought being alone would help me figure my shit out. but ive figured nothing out and i still dont know how to deal with anything. and now i dont even have any hugs or someone warm to lay on. ive gone back to feeling like ill be alone forever now because i actually have nothing to say to anyone in real life.

the shows didnt really help. the first night of dfd was good. it felt like old times except ilyse wasnt there. the entire trip and drama with everyone else and the travel wasnt super pleasant. i hope mary prankster is different. im nervous about it. we've been waiting so long.

my grandma is getting worse and i dont know what i can do for her. her memory is going. her health is going. her aide is nice but also mildly concerning. but only because i trust no one.

my heart still hurts from all the deaths. my grandpa's, brit's, jordan's, everyone i couldnt help or save.

i want to start working on my blanket again but i cant even find my cutting mat and fabric cutter. my storage unit is too scarily crowded to open safely or even look for anything. i have two weeks before pranksgiving to be productive. i dont really want to leave my grandma alone even though being here is hard.  but i also dont really want to go anywhere even though i feel im missing out on all the things.

ive had a cold since i got back from tour..its not contagious ..just annoying and inconvenient.

the punknecks are opening a tattoo shop in nashville. i have an open invitation to move there and work at the shop.

how do i get better? it feels like im doing everything i can within my own limitations. i dont know how to get help or who to even ask for help or what kind of help i even need.

kind of want a new job. also dont know what kind of job i want. or if i can deal with the job getting process right now anyway. i picked up applications i havent filled out yet. but also im leaving again soon, so what's even the point.

Last year this week my grandpa fell and busted his head open.. That night haunts me forever. It was one of his worst falls. I had to clean up pools of blood and pieces of his head. It's literally something that doesnt leave my mind and pops up at really weird and inconvenient times.

kind of wouldnt be too upset if there was an apocolypse which wiped out most of the population.. also probably wouldnt be upset if i was also wiped out with the rest of the population.

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Enraged heavy anger [27 Oct 2017|04:12pm]

I'm so fucking angry today.

Cw cheating,thc,old perverts, bullshit employers, depression

The past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions in general. I moved out of a 6 year relationship the past 2 days with only one person helping me. A 60+ handicapped stagehand buddy of mine..the storage unit the first day wouldnt open with my code. I spent a lot of time ugly crying. There was no emergency line to call. My friend graciously kept my things in his truck and helped me the next morning. Then after it was over he offered to be a fuck buddy should i need one even though he has a girlfriend. Like fuck no i dont want to have sex  with anyone right now especially not your old perverted ass. Like take my last $40    for gas and the thc gummies  and leave me tf alone. Even after his help i still had to make four 70 mile trips to get the rest of my shit alone with no help. While my  ex left boxes (like multiple) of condoms everywhere. And someone else's toothbrush. We've been broken up a month and i broke up with him and i get I'm so easily replaceable but i don't need to see  it. Deciding to actually breakup was hard enough.   Living with wondering if i should have not done that  is hard enough. The reality of being alone forever is hard enough. Realistically im not okay with myself right now so i cant be right with anyone else. But it still   hurts. And he probably doesn't   even realise he's  doing it cause he's oblivious  to most things. I dont think he's a bad person . he has a good heart and intentions  . but come the fuck on  

Today my bestfriend's bf tells  her he cheated on her months  ago. When he's the one who wanted to be monogamous she originally offered open. ON THE WAY TO A MEETING  .  so she didn't even have time to process anything. I'm so enraged for her and at him.

Next i need a verification letter from a job  saying i havent worked in four weeks. That's it...she's done it before. She won't  anymore but won't tell me why. There's no direct contact  info for what i need this for. I upload the pdf to my account and that's the end of it. This shouldn't be a fucking issue. I  havent even worked for a while cause i was on tour. Just  write the fucking   letter.

All people are trash. Especially men.

update : She wrote the letter. But won't be able to anymore unless it comes directly from the agency. Why is everything so inconvenient.

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i moved out [26 Oct 2017|10:41pm]
i moved out

it's been a really hard few days/weeks/months.

i don't know what i'm doing and i don't know how i can help myself

no one can help me

what is life
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heartache [17 Sep 2017|07:03pm]
when your heart hurts so much and it's your own fault for causing even more heartache but you don't know what else to do
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pop [14 Sep 2017|09:24am]
my grandpa died august 27th 2017. he was 87.

i am not okay about it.
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Equals [17 Aug 2017|01:20pm]

If I am not your equal, I am nothing to you.

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It would've been your birthday [29 May 2017|11:37am]

It would have been your birthday
You would've been 33
It's the first time on your birthday
You weren't there to speak with me
The things you could've done
And the things you could feel
Won't ever happen now
It's all so unreal
Through our entire lives
We always had each other
Now there's a void in my heart
It can never be replaced by another
I don't usually rhyme things
So this is pretty weird
Diapers, gnomes and other secrets
Are all kept in my tears
I'm wearing your earrings now
To feel a part of you
With me, guiding me, and whispering
All the things us geminis should do
I hope your birthday is better now
Without so much pain
I hope you get all the treats
And i hope it never rains
I see you in my dreams sometimes
And think of you every day
It will never be the same again
There's nothing left to say

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emotional work issues [11 Jan 2017|04:51pm]
when I keep getting offered jobs in florida, including a house security position that i've been trying to get all year, but I have to turn down because i'm stuck in a frozen wasteland where I can't even get a callback from jobs I used to have.

super depressing
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Insomnia anxiety and cordials [07 Nov 2016|02:10am]

When you don't sleep well in general but now you really can't sleep because the door has to be open so I can make sure my grandpa is breathing/sleeping okay without his cpap machine which he can't wear cause his face is too swollen..everytime he moves, I think something is happening ..when it isn't...but I can't relax ever..and I can't listen to music because then I can't hear him if he needs something

I keep thinking the worst and hoping for the best but I'm terrified something is gonna happen when I'm gone and I'm not ready to be without him ..but I also don't want to not go on tour because its the only thing that makes me happy in real life

My grandma and I had chocolate cordials with almond milk to help us sleep last night ..neither of us really drink. She's told a story about how my mom took her to a nudist massage thing and didn't tell her and my grandma was the only one not naked and everyone thought she was really cool..I also kept giving her the stuff from my cup ..and she's like "i keep sipping and there's still stuff at the bottom"

I love them

Especially how excited/happy my grandpa gets when i offer him a fudgicle

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Poppa falls again [05 Nov 2016|08:49pm]

My grandpa fell out of bed around 5am and busted his head open on the nightstand..huge pool of blood..there's nothing sadder than the sound of my grandpa crying..the paramedics came and we followed them to the hospital and they cleaned him up..nothing super broken but he needs stitches but one of the wounds is too close to his eye..it keeps bleeding and it looks like he's crying blood. We got him home from the hospital and I went out and got him a new bed railing because the other one is clearly defective even though I checked it yesterday..my grandma stayed calm..my grandpa made "no selfie" jokes and I've been a wreck all day...I had to goto Costco to get a new rug because the other was covered in blood..my car decided it didn't want to start..of course. I had a few more panic attacks..it started working finally. ..I had to clean up all the blood and from his cpap machine ...he fell asleep on the couch ..I made him breakfast when he woke up..his face was still bleeding through his bandages..he feels like shit because he thinks he's a burden..but he isn't and we love him

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sexual harassment in the work place [29 Oct 2016|01:08pm]
To whom it may concern,

Tuesday, October 25th 2016, I was working at the Hillary Rally at Omni Auditorium at Broward College.

During the load out one of our road leads, Pops, was making jokes. Funny, stupid jokes, nothing overtly sexual in any way. Joel Reisman walks over to her. He says "I have a joke for you, you know math?..how old are you?. (She's 24) ..how many times does 72 go into 24....twice on a good night" it wasn't funny the way he told it or in any type of good spirits. She immediately responded with "that's inappropriate, you're making me uncomfortable". Her face turned red so he said something to the effect of "ohh but you're blushing, you like it". She walks away. She comes back to the shop area before the loading dock and is alone. She motioned for me to come stand with her so he doesn't say anything else to her. She tells me that he's been making comments at her all day. She didn't mention specifics. Ashley, Shay and one other female come over and stand with us. Pops tells us "It's hard enough for her to be taken seriously as the boss over these men who make comments to her". Lots of people were around to hear his "joke". I don't know most of their names.

I've known Joel for about seven years. In all the time I've known him, he is constantly derogatory towards women. He is always making us feel uncomfortable, either directly or indirectly. He used to say things to me, but It was years ago and I've repeatedly told him to his face to not speak to me ever. He also has no work ethic. He consistently avoids doing work and doesn't pay attention to most specific directions that any crew lead actually gives him.

This behavior is a threat to the safety of our sisters on and off jobs. I know that I can handle myself, but we shouldn't have to endure this on every job site from anyone. Now that all this information has come to light, I hope that we can trust that you'll take the proper steps to rectify this.

Thank you for your time,

Viva Sigal Sahar
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?? [06 Aug 2016|10:18pm]

What do i do?

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to the people who say they never watch the footage they take on their phones [29 Jun 2016|02:34pm]
I actually watch a lot of my videos a lot. Some of the best feelings i've ever felt was watching live music. Watching the musicians live their dreams and create something amazing. Being able to know that I helped in some way to make all of their lives better even in a small capacity . And when I watch the videos from those shows, it takes me there, even for the moment, to the best feelings of my life.
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anyone need VHS tapes???? [20 Jun 2016|06:32pm]
anyone need VHS tapes? http://miami.craigslist.org/brw/emd/5645244715.html .. i'll deliver to south florida and up the east coast if i'm heading there and work out deals
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My poppa [13 Jun 2016|02:05pm]

Apparently my grandpa fell again on Saturday while in was at work. My grandparents didn't call me. They had to call the police. He was across the street taking out margies trash cans and he slipped and he fell over there and random people drove by and got my grandma and they called and the fire department and they picked him up. My grandma said he's been crying. Or almost on the point of crying..From what nana says, i think he's depressed. Every time i see him, he has a chipper attitude. But he'll say things like "oh I won't be around much longer" or "I'll be dead in  5 years anyway" . his doctors say he's as fine as he can get as far as his tests go.

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I'm just so sad [13 Jun 2016|01:14pm]

I've been even more depressed all day.  Like off and on crying..I was okay..so I felt like having sex ..so then in the middle I started crying because all the people that were shot will never be able to hug or love anyone or anything ever again.. And at any given point I could be in that situation..at a show..at Town if I still worked there.. All of it affects me. It could be anyone I know. At any point . I'm just so sad

Like Adam Krump..my ex who I cheated on with Ross a million years ago who I rarely ever talk to..In between his crippling spinal issues and hospital visits..He called to see if I was alive.

It's so horrible to have to be like I'm alive and people I know are physically ok..but I'm not okay and most of the people I know aren't okay and I dont know if we ever will be

I am just so sad

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Always the overthought [09 Jun 2016|08:36pm]

So apparently Natalie asking me to be a bridesmaid when she was drunk but not really that drunk equates to completely forgetting to invite me or deliberately not inviting me  to a party involving the rest of the bridesmaids .. Even though I've been completely free and made that kind of vocal for weeks ..I wonder if they'll even remember to invite me to the wedding .. I mean I didn't follow up about the actual bridesmaids thing  which i guess isn't a big deal but we've texted since then about trying to hang out but no one ever texts me back after I ask when they want me to meet them wherever/whenever...I just love them and always want to spend time with them or be involved or help in some way .. I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding or something..it usually is..except I'm the one who always ends up butthurt ...I just care a lot ..and wish I didn't

I'm glad everyone is doing happy things though ..I love seeing people happy

Im just bummed that im always forgotton. And then afterwards they're all like "oh we meant to invite you.."

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