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DivaVivaLeFreek's delusional thoughts [entries|friends|calendar]

[ website | sigal sahar ]
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heartache [17 Sep 2017|07:03pm]
when your heart hurts so much and it's your own fault for causing even more heartache but you don't know what else to do
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pop [14 Sep 2017|09:24am]
my grandpa died august 27th 2017. he was 87.

i am not okay about it.
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Equals [17 Aug 2017|01:20pm]

If I am not your equal, I am nothing to you.

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It would've been your birthday [29 May 2017|11:37am]

It would have been your birthday
You would've been 33
It's the first time on your birthday
You weren't there to speak with me
The things you could've done
And the things you could feel
Won't ever happen now
It's all so unreal
Through our entire lives
We always had each other
Now there's a void in my heart
It can never be replaced by another
I don't usually rhyme things
So this is pretty weird
Diapers, gnomes and other secrets
Are all kept in my tears
I'm wearing your earrings now
To feel a part of you
With me, guiding me, and whispering
All the things us geminis should do
I hope your birthday is better now
Without so much pain
I hope you get all the treats
And i hope it never rains
I see you in my dreams sometimes
And think of you every day
It will never be the same again
There's nothing left to say

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emotional work issues [11 Jan 2017|04:51pm]
when I keep getting offered jobs in florida, including a house security position that i've been trying to get all year, but I have to turn down because i'm stuck in a frozen wasteland where I can't even get a callback from jobs I used to have.

super depressing
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Insomnia anxiety and cordials [07 Nov 2016|02:10am]

When you don't sleep well in general but now you really can't sleep because the door has to be open so I can make sure my grandpa is breathing/sleeping okay without his cpap machine which he can't wear cause his face is too swollen..everytime he moves, I think something is happening ..when it isn't...but I can't relax ever..and I can't listen to music because then I can't hear him if he needs something

I keep thinking the worst and hoping for the best but I'm terrified something is gonna happen when I'm gone and I'm not ready to be without him ..but I also don't want to not go on tour because its the only thing that makes me happy in real life

My grandma and I had chocolate cordials with almond milk to help us sleep last night ..neither of us really drink. She's told a story about how my mom took her to a nudist massage thing and didn't tell her and my grandma was the only one not naked and everyone thought she was really cool..I also kept giving her the stuff from my cup ..and she's like "i keep sipping and there's still stuff at the bottom"

I love them

Especially how excited/happy my grandpa gets when i offer him a fudgicle

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Poppa falls again [05 Nov 2016|08:49pm]

My grandpa fell out of bed around 5am and busted his head open on the nightstand..huge pool of blood..there's nothing sadder than the sound of my grandpa crying..the paramedics came and we followed them to the hospital and they cleaned him up..nothing super broken but he needs stitches but one of the wounds is too close to his eye..it keeps bleeding and it looks like he's crying blood. We got him home from the hospital and I went out and got him a new bed railing because the other one is clearly defective even though I checked it yesterday..my grandma stayed calm..my grandpa made "no selfie" jokes and I've been a wreck all day...I had to goto Costco to get a new rug because the other was covered in blood..my car decided it didn't want to start..of course. I had a few more panic attacks..it started working finally. ..I had to clean up all the blood and from his cpap machine ...he fell asleep on the couch ..I made him breakfast when he woke up..his face was still bleeding through his bandages..he feels like shit because he thinks he's a burden..but he isn't and we love him

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sexual harassment in the work place [29 Oct 2016|01:08pm]
To whom it may concern,

Tuesday, October 25th 2016, I was working at the Hillary Rally at Omni Auditorium at Broward College.

During the load out one of our road leads, Pops, was making jokes. Funny, stupid jokes, nothing overtly sexual in any way. Joel Reisman walks over to her. He says "I have a joke for you, you know math?..how old are you?. (She's 24) ..how many times does 72 go into 24....twice on a good night" it wasn't funny the way he told it or in any type of good spirits. She immediately responded with "that's inappropriate, you're making me uncomfortable". Her face turned red so he said something to the effect of "ohh but you're blushing, you like it". She walks away. She comes back to the shop area before the loading dock and is alone. She motioned for me to come stand with her so he doesn't say anything else to her. She tells me that he's been making comments at her all day. She didn't mention specifics. Ashley, Shay and one other female come over and stand with us. Pops tells us "It's hard enough for her to be taken seriously as the boss over these men who make comments to her". Lots of people were around to hear his "joke". I don't know most of their names.

I've known Joel for about seven years. In all the time I've known him, he is constantly derogatory towards women. He is always making us feel uncomfortable, either directly or indirectly. He used to say things to me, but It was years ago and I've repeatedly told him to his face to not speak to me ever. He also has no work ethic. He consistently avoids doing work and doesn't pay attention to most specific directions that any crew lead actually gives him.

This behavior is a threat to the safety of our sisters on and off jobs. I know that I can handle myself, but we shouldn't have to endure this on every job site from anyone. Now that all this information has come to light, I hope that we can trust that you'll take the proper steps to rectify this.

Thank you for your time,

Viva Sigal Sahar
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?? [06 Aug 2016|10:18pm]

What do i do?

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to the people who say they never watch the footage they take on their phones [29 Jun 2016|02:34pm]
I actually watch a lot of my videos a lot. Some of the best feelings i've ever felt was watching live music. Watching the musicians live their dreams and create something amazing. Being able to know that I helped in some way to make all of their lives better even in a small capacity . And when I watch the videos from those shows, it takes me there, even for the moment, to the best feelings of my life.
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anyone need VHS tapes???? [20 Jun 2016|06:32pm]
anyone need VHS tapes? http://miami.craigslist.org/brw/emd/5645244715.html .. i'll deliver to south florida and up the east coast if i'm heading there and work out deals
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My poppa [13 Jun 2016|02:05pm]

Apparently my grandpa fell again on Saturday while in was at work. My grandparents didn't call me. They had to call the police. He was across the street taking out margies trash cans and he slipped and he fell over there and random people drove by and got my grandma and they called and the fire department and they picked him up. My grandma said he's been crying. Or almost on the point of crying..From what nana says, i think he's depressed. Every time i see him, he has a chipper attitude. But he'll say things like "oh I won't be around much longer" or "I'll be dead in  5 years anyway" . his doctors say he's as fine as he can get as far as his tests go.

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I'm just so sad [13 Jun 2016|01:14pm]

I've been even more depressed all day.  Like off and on crying..I was okay..so I felt like having sex ..so then in the middle I started crying because all the people that were shot will never be able to hug or love anyone or anything ever again.. And at any given point I could be in that situation..at a show..at Town if I still worked there.. All of it affects me. It could be anyone I know. At any point . I'm just so sad

Like Adam Krump..my ex who I cheated on with Ross a million years ago who I rarely ever talk to..In between his crippling spinal issues and hospital visits..He called to see if I was alive.

It's so horrible to have to be like I'm alive and people I know are physically ok..but I'm not okay and most of the people I know aren't okay and I dont know if we ever will be

I am just so sad

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Always the overthought [09 Jun 2016|08:36pm]

So apparently Natalie asking me to be a bridesmaid when she was drunk but not really that drunk equates to completely forgetting to invite me or deliberately not inviting me  to a party involving the rest of the bridesmaids .. Even though I've been completely free and made that kind of vocal for weeks ..I wonder if they'll even remember to invite me to the wedding .. I mean I didn't follow up about the actual bridesmaids thing  which i guess isn't a big deal but we've texted since then about trying to hang out but no one ever texts me back after I ask when they want me to meet them wherever/whenever...I just love them and always want to spend time with them or be involved or help in some way .. I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding or something..it usually is..except I'm the one who always ends up butthurt ...I just care a lot ..and wish I didn't

I'm glad everyone is doing happy things though ..I love seeing people happy

Im just bummed that im always forgotton. And then afterwards they're all like "oh we meant to invite you.."

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Grumpy or just a person [09 Jun 2016|02:38am]

Apparently me being too hot and not wanting to be touched equates to me being grumpy ..I'm like no it means I don't want to be touched

Being grumpy is having to tell someone repeatedly that I don't want to be touched and having them tell me how I feel.

And also being coughed on repeatedly..he apparently NEVER knows when he's gonna cough..so he never covers his mouth ever because he claims there's no time ...it's apparently  so spontaneous and abrubt, "like a sneeze", He's like 'don't u ever sneeze' and I'm like yeah..I still cover my mouth. seriously he spit/cough hit my arm 2 or 3 times and all over my back

He always thinks I'm mad when I'm not actually mad

Then he got mad at me for getting mad about the coughing thing. But really, how do you not sense at all that you're gonna cough. There's still like 2 seconds it takes to feel it in your chest and throat. In which time you could  cover your mouth. He keeps his mouth closed sometimes but it still flies out when he claims it doesnt, When it reallllly does. how many times do I have to ask. He's says he can't control it
I'm like be aware of your body..pay fucking attention
He's gonna be 29 at the end of the month. Like grow the fuck up ..you just graduated school ..don't fucking touch me if I don't want to be touched and cover your mouth and wash your hands
Its not that hard to be an adult.. Except apparently it is For everyone in the world

What's sad is I doubt there's any dude out there who really actually respects women and treats them like just a person..even people in legitimate caring relationships ..when we were younger it was a different world .. No one stood up because it was just expected .. Harassment, comments, the way people interact with each other ..now people are becoming more aware ..of themselves and everyone around them..or at least I am .. More so than I ever was. I know my own body more than anyone else..I know what I'm feeling when I feel it even if I don't know what's causing it..if I'm overheated and you are cold..me making you warm isn't going to make me less warm

I get that he's needy ..but I don't want to kiss every 2 minutes ..I let him know when  I need space and what i want on a regular basis ..he gets frustrated that everything is on my terms sometimes ...but if it wasn't..I'd probably be miserable and filled with resentment ..

I'm still affectionate but I'm not the same as I used to be when we started dating and that isn't about him..it's about me and my body and my awareness of what's going on with my body. Which he has trouble understanding.  I'm sorry he's butthurt about it But I don't know how to make it any clearer. He's not overly disrespectful about it ..he'll just mope around and sleep on the couch and get offended that im not more accomidating to his needs. But i dont know how to do that without compromising myself

But still..it's upsetting to constantly have to be like no, I don't want to kiss or bang or whatever ALL DAY ..he just asks all the time because every so often I'll randomly change my mind ..I'm like dude..when and if I change my mind..I'll let you know

I'm always on my guard ..all the time with everyone..it's exhausting. Even if I wasn't with him..I'd still be on my guard. There is no shutting it down. There is no real relaxing. There also isnt any indication in this world that i ever could or should.

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casino birthday [08 Jun 2016|01:41am]

So I went to a casino with my friend and I signed up for the free card and got free play..I won $4 so I tried to cash out and the machine jammed..a staff person comes over and can't figure it out..a supervisor comes over and is figuring it out..he goes in the back to check with his supervisor about something and a random dude comes up and asks to play the machine next to it in between me and her ..he then proceeds to try and put his card in my machine while I'm standing in front of it and we tell him not to touch it cause we're waiting for the supervisor ..he pushes my friend out of the way and shoves $100 on the machine..she and him have words and he shoves her again and his finger goes in her eye..I went to grab a security person..the police came and did nothing but take our names and phone numbers ..My first time here as a customer and my birthday turns into assault ..I spent $25 and won nothing. ..I was up $10 for a minute but that didn't last ...my friend comes here all the time so she talked to the host and got us free food

It happens ..that's like my whole life .. 20 terrible things will happen but like 3 good things still happen sometimes ..they gave me more free play and the guy didn't bother us anymore but didn't go to another machine so he was in between us for an hour or so..i lost $25 but The food was good

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Forgiveness [07 Jun 2016|05:45pm]

Forgiveness means, I understand you are human and made a mistake. There are still consiquences for mistakes even after forgiveness, sometimes that is an irreversible loss of trust or love. If it's a situation where you think you want to still have this person in your life then it's going to take work from both of you. Think long and hard, because not everyone deserves your presence. That person will have to recognize what they did, and make a promise to not repeat it. Then you will have to get over the anger you feel towards yourself and them for the hurt your feeling.
Remember that only you can decide what is best for your life, and you can change your mind at any point.
Many well wishes to you.

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What a night [06 Jun 2016|01:57am]

my grandpa fell..nana called at a little after midnight ...I drove to lake worth.. We just picked up pop..he has a scrape on his head from a chair..he was only wearing a robe..he had tried to lean over to grab a towel off the chair and missed and fell ..it took me, Geoff and nana to get him stood up..once he was up he was okay ..he has a ct scan scheduled for tomorrow anyway so there's that..so much has happened tonight already ..Geoffs foot was bleeding earlier and I've been crying off and on all day for various reasons ..and then to end the night I had to hold my grandpa's butt.

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Depression [05 Jun 2016|01:51pm]

He  keeps asking me if I'm okay ..which I reply fine

Or if there's anything he can do ..which there isnt

Because I seem depressed

To which I reply yes

Like super super depressed

To which I reply..I get it

Like telling me I seem depressed when I've been telling him I've been depressed for weeks is gonna help me ever

The first thing he always asks is if I'm on my period..
Like it ever helps even if i was. Its not justifiable in any way.  If im being irrational while menstrating its blatent and obvious.

He reads this but I still don't think he really understands how it is to be filled nonstop with emotions cause he suppresses everything

I feel worse because there isn't anything he can do

But constantly asking me if I'm okay then forgetting everything I've previously said doesn't help me ever

I'm constantly in pain..chronic body pain..I've always had it for years ..I don't take anything because pills don't help me...herb helps but only a mild amount ...nothing can save me

The only times I've ever felt exasperated joy was at elvis's house and shows or working or doing something with actual purpose ...the rest of my life has been me fighting against the darkness

Even with all i'm grateful for, it really isnt enough.

Everything i have still isnt helping me achieve my dreams of actively helping others while helping myself at the same time ..its either help others and get nothing ..or put effort into doing things i dont want to do that wont make me any happier

Everything hurts

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self tour [05 Jun 2016|04:14am]
Zoo peculiar and que lastima want me to go on the tour but dont have room for me in either vehicle but zoo peculiar offered %10 of merch sales and food and a spot in the hotel room..so if I decided to go and drive my own car it's about $400 in gas and wear and tear on my car..realistically I could use my savings but also realistically I can't really afford it

But that's not a tour..it's me missing work to follow bands around selling merch for basically nothing...it's not really being with either of them

i would get to go to heavy rebel which is always something i wanted to do.

plus the bands are so good that i really just want to help them anyway .. i fully believe they could get significantly huge to their demographic .. they really do need the help though. i can make them a lot of money.. i'm really good at selling stuff and being a tour manager.

it's seriously killing me. no one benefits from me being poor.
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