life still feels really difficult
constantly feeling conflicted with "did i make the right decision"-itus. i miss him. i miss the comforting attention he always gave. it hits so much more now and i thought being alone would help me figure my shit out. but ive figured nothing out and i still dont know how to deal with anything. and now i dont even have any hugs or someone warm to lay on. ive gone back to feeling like ill be alone forever now because i actually have nothing to say to anyone in real life.
the shows didnt really help. the first night of dfd was good. it felt like old times except ilyse wasnt there. the entire trip and drama with everyone else and the travel wasnt super pleasant. i hope mary prankster is different. im nervous about it. we've been waiting so long.
my grandma is getting worse and i dont know what i can do for her. her memory is going. her health is going. her aide is nice but also mildly concerning. but only because i trust no one.
my heart still hurts from all the deaths. my grandpa's, brit's, jordan's, everyone i couldnt help or save.
i want to start working on my blanket again but i cant even find my cutting mat and fabric cutter. my storage unit is too scarily crowded to open safely or even look for anything. i have two weeks before pranksgiving to be productive. i dont really want to leave my grandma alone even though being here is hard. but i also dont really want to go anywhere even though i feel im missing out on all the things.
ive had a cold since i got back from tour..its not contagious ..just annoying and inconvenient.
the punknecks are opening a tattoo shop in nashville. i have an open invitation to move there and work at the shop.
how do i get better? it feels like im doing everything i can within my own limitations. i dont know how to get help or who to even ask for help or what kind of help i even need.
kind of want a new job. also dont know what kind of job i want. or if i can deal with the job getting process right now anyway. i picked up applications i havent filled out yet. but also im leaving again soon, so what's even the point.
Last year this week my grandpa fell and busted his head open.. That night haunts me forever. It was one of his worst falls. I had to clean up pools of blood and pieces of his head. It's literally something that doesnt leave my mind and pops up at really weird and inconvenient times.
kind of wouldnt be too upset if there was an apocolypse which wiped out most of the population.. also probably wouldnt be upset if i was also wiped out with the rest of the population.