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You [13 Feb 2018|09:29pm]

i still think about you every fucking day

i want to send an emoji or message to let you know but i cant bring myself to engage in an actual conversation yet which is sure to follow

my heart is still broken for lots of reasons most of which have nothing to do with you but i need to heal

how do i heal? what else can i do but over work myself , destroying my body/contributing to my chronic pain, and distract myself with music and bands that dont have any actual tourdates booked even though they all say they want me to go with them. why cant i just not think about you for one day? c

why does my grandma continually buy things she doesnt use? why cant she tape a box? she used to be a fucking teacher. do people really forget how to use tape? why does she judge me and body shame me then constantly tell me to not be upset when i actually dont have any outbursts at her? why does she tell me to not get upset with her when im literally just explaining procedure to her in detail? why do vacations always feel like more work than they should be? why does depression affect my self control and self worth all the fucking time. will my moms new dog let me hug her in peace? why did she tell me i can rant to her but then shoot me down when  i share anything that fucking upsets me?

why is there so much injustice in the world? why cant people just be better instead of fucking horrible all the time? why do cops keep straight up murdering people for literally no reason?

why cant my friends who are such good people stop dying?

why cant i go to work just once without being harassed by someone that claims to be my friend? why is gender inequality and bullshit seniority still a thing? why are People are particularly stupid today?.. why is this One lady here is trying to defend this oldass jerk who takes pictures of women's asses without their permission saying we should respect him cause he's old and our union was built by our elders..when really this guy is old and does absolutely no work. Doesn't listen or watch where he's going..then picks fights with people for calling him out on it. why is this acceptable behavior? why do other men see it and comment on it but never report it?

why are tickets to things so expensive? why does the only person who understands me live so fucking far away?

why cant i move past you? for just one day






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venue gibberish to sort out [06 Feb 2018|02:25pm]

ALL BANDS, ARTISTS, AND FANS IN ALL THE STATES/COUNTRIES!
Drop your favorite venues to play at or go see shows at all over the world. And their location and booking contact if you have it.
Feel free to pm the info also
Also if you have any information on venues that are terrible, treat their bands awful, don't pay, or are run by predators, I'd like that info too.




ALABAMA
Zydeco
2001 15th Avenue South
Birmingham, AL 35205
205.933.1032
www.zydecobirmingham.com
NORTH CAROLINA
BOOKING AGENTS AC Entertainment https://www.facebook.com/ACExperience B O O K I N G ROCK INDIE HIP HOP R&B ROOTS ACOUSTIC FOLK ALTERNATIVE METAL SINGER/SONGWRITER Blood-Rust Booking https://www.facebook.com/bloodrustrecords B O O K I N G PUNK METAL HARDCORE Blue Moon Talent https://www.bluemoontalent.com B O O K I N G CLASSIC ROCK JAZZ CLASSICAL POP (corporate events, fairs, festivals, casinos & weddings) East Coast Entertainment http://www.eastcoastentertainment.com B O O K I N G CLASSIC ROCK POP WORLD JAZZ BLUES R&B COUNTRY ROOTS HIP HOP BLUEGRASS REGGAE SINGER/SONGWRITER LATIN CLASSICAL DANCE GOSPEL FUNK (international corporate events & weddings) SoGnar Presents https://www.facebook.com/SoGnarPresents B O O K I N G ELECTRONIC
Fleetwood's - asheville nc
The Grey Eagle,
185 Clingman Ave
Asheville, North Carolina 28801
The Mothlight 701 Haywood Rd, West Asheville, North Carolina 28806
The Odditorium 1045 Haywood Rd
Asheville, North Carolina
The Visulite Theater in Charlotte, NC!
The Common Market
Charlotte, NC

Crave UPTOWN Restaurant & Bar
Greenville, NC

The Blind Tiger
Greensboro, NC

The Wizard Saloon
Hickory, NC

Petra's-Charlotte, NC
Garner NC just south of Raleigh there is this basement venue in the old pry of garner next to a coffee shop, it's called "Kaboom art gallery" it's the most amazing space, run by this 60+ year old metal head named Yance.
UK & EUROPE & FESTIVALS
Decibel in Montenay, Mayenne
https://www.facebook.com/Bar-Concert-Chez-philippe.../
Nouveau Casino in Paris
http://nouveaucasino.fr/le-nouveau-casino/

https://m.facebook.com/TheCrownHotelDunedin/ - NEW ZEALAND

UK: DIY Space London. Great accessibility, has a room you can go in for quiet (really good for autistics or people with anxiety etc), gender neutral loos . They try to make being in a band/learning an instrument more accessible to LGBT+ people, women, disabled people, and POC by holding 'First timers' events where they teach people guitar or drums or bass or lyric writing etc basics and do socials so you can meet others who are new to stuff to form a band with. All-round a very cool place.
Rock City. England.
Fibbers. York. England.
The Camden Underworld in London 
https://www.theunderworldcamden.co.uk/contact
Recommended metal (and only metal, but all kinds thereof) booking agent in London - Mick Wood at Monsta Entertainments
http://www.monstaents.com/about.html
I can also make some comments about good festivals (Roadburn, ArcTanGent, Bloodstock Open Air) if that's useful. Bloodstock is heavy and extreme metal - Mick is a good person to contact if you're a smaller band looking to get into the loop, as he runs the Road to Bloodstock battle of the bands for London.
If you're signed to a label, then you'll want to email vicky@bloodstock.uk.com 
Roadburn is extreme/psychedelic/fucking weird/post-whatever - it has an annual curator (someone in the industry), and festival founder Walter Hoeijmakers plays a key role, but I don't have a direct booking contact
ATG is smaller, post-rock/post-metal and want a link to music sent to bands@arctangent.co.uk 
See: http://www.arctangent.co.uk/info/

NEW JERSEY
the saint - asbury NJ
murrays pub house - dunellen nj
Roxy and dukes - dunellen nj
Starland Ballroom - Sayerville, NJ (732) 238-5500

PENNSYLVANIA
Pittsburgh
Rex Theater
Club Diesel
Smiling Moose
Mr. Small’s
Club Cafe
Gooski’s (Smaller)
Stage AE
Chameleon – Lancaster PA
FLORIDA
Beachside Tavern - New Smyrna
Ocean Deck - Daytona

CONNECTICUT
Toad’s Place. New Haven CT
OHIO
Old Crow Bar, Middletown, Ohio. Contact : Mike Discoman Shalloe
Hannon's Camp America! Paul Hannon We have a lovely little reggae fest that you'd fit right in! OHMSTEAD MUSIC FESTIVAL
Lifee Empire - Akron Ohio
Oddbodies, Dayton OH
Stanley’s pub - Cincinnati
The grog shop - Cleveland OH
house of blues - Cleveland OH
agora
Phantasy

Nelson Ledge Quarry Park! Garrettsville OH
The foundry Lakewood OH

MISSOURI

St Louis
2720 Cherokee,
Old Rock House,
The Bootleg at the Atomic Cowboy
Broadway Oyster Bar
Blueberry Hill
The Crack Fox
NEW YORK
Gramarcy
Irving Plaza
Cobra Club-Brooklyn, NY.
mohawk place buffalo ny
Wilo Roman Ampersand NYC
23rd&3rd.
St. Vitus Bar (Brooklyn, NY)
Iron Horse Entertainment Group :
Steven Frankenbach is the talent buyer at 230 Down in Southampton, NY.
OKLAHOMA
OKC
The Diamond Ballroom
Tower Theater
Criterion
Blue Note
Drunken Fry
Tulsa
Cain’s ballroom
Brady theater
Vanguard

MARYLAND
baltimore
Pier six
The Ottobar
Rams head
Fishhead cantina
Tin roof

ramshead dockside – glen burnie
ramshead – annapolis
metropolitan – annapolis
mothers peninsula


Ocean City
Riptides
Pickles Pub
VIRGINIA
Dave's Taverna- Harrisonburg, Va
Blue Fox Billiards Bar and Grill - Winchester, Va.
Norva – norfolk
jammin java
patriot center
jiffy lube live (nissan pavilion)

LOUISIANA
The Varsity, Baton Rouge, La
Tipitina’s, New Orleans, La
Can help you get booked at both - Brian Rome
Sloppy's Downtown - Lake Charles, LA
TENNESSEE
Scruffy City Hall - knoxville, tn 
They own Preservation Pub
MASSACHUSETTES
Hawks & Reed – greenfield MA
Pearl Street - Northampton MA
http://www.iheg.com/pearl_street_main.asp
Middle East – Boston

The Royal

The Palladium

The House of Blues
IOWA
Woolys - Des Moines, Iowa
COLORADO
Peaches in Yellow Springs
red rocks Morrison Colorado
Surfside 7 - Fort Collins, CO
7th Circle Music Collective
Triple Nickel Tavern - Colorado Springs, CO
Moxy – greeley co

DELEWARE
Bottle & Cork
Rusty Rudder – Dewey
BAR XIII - Wilmington DE
INDIANA
J.C. Knaepple Indiana RedBarn 
71 Parkview Dr. 
Nashville, IN

ARIZONA
The Rock in Tucson
http://rocktucson.com/
191 toole in Tucson
The Quarry - Bisbee, AZ
St. Charles Tavern - Tucson, AZ
The Rhythm Room - Phoenix, AZ
WASHINGTON D.C.
Black Cat
930 club
DC9
Rock and Roll Hotel 

Booking Contact*- Melina Afzal (melina.afzal@gmail.com) 
*Melina is one of several bookers at BC, and mostly handles burlesque and sideshow bookings. She's also a biiiiit of a flake at times(no shade), but her heart's in the right place, and she's lived and worked in the DC music scene for many years and knows a lot of folks.
Songbyrd

GEORGIA
The Jinx-Savannah, GA
masquerade – atlanta
star bar – atlanta
tin roof cantina – atlanta


Never book at cunt cave in atl...rape apologists and fashion punks who claim acab but call the cops at the first sign of anyone they dislike
SOUTH CAROLINA
Tin Roof-Charleston, SC

CALIFORNIA
Tower Bar - San Diego, CA
The Echo - Los Angeles, CA
The Knockout - San Francisco, CA
Cooper's Ale House - Nevada City, CA
The Wiltern Theater, Los Angeles, CA
The Roxy Theater, West Hollywood, CA
The El Rey Theater, Los Angeles, CA
Troubadour, West Hollywood, CA
The Whiskey a go-go, West Hollywood, CA
Alex's Bar, Long Beach, CA
Blacklight District, Long Beach, CA
Mission Tobacco Lounge - Riverside, CA
Character's - Pomona, CA
Five Star Bar, Los Angeles, CA
Concert lounge – riverside CA
Bar sinister – Hollywood
Raw House - Chico, CA
OPP still books shows in Oakland, CA.
Honey Hive Gallery is a venue in San Francisco that often books DIY.
Avoid Stork Club in Oakland, CA they don't address their pay for play policy on their website, they've got sound guy who's a real dick, and worse the owner and workers are creeps.
KANSAS
bottleneck – Lawrence KS
Riot room – Kansas city
OREGON
Star Theater – Portland
The Space Concert Club - Salem, OR
The Twilight Cafe - Portland, OR

WEST VIRGINIA
The Bakery Charleston, WV

WASHINGTON
Le Voyeur in Olympia WA
Marymoor Park in Redmond, WA
Showbox SoDo in Seattle
The Highline - Seattle, WA
Tony V's Garage - Everett, WA
The Wild Buffalo - Bellingham, WA
TEXAS
Maggie Mae's is a fun dive bar on sixth street in Austin, TX.
three Links - Deep Ellum, TX
Rudyard's British Pub - Houston, TX
Rumble - San Antonio, TX
Lost Well - Austin, TX
Love Buzz - El Paso, TX
Spider House - Austin, TX
Nland Surf Park - Austin, TX
Empire - Austin, TX
MICHIGAN
Trumbullplex. Anarchist collective.
Magic stick
avoid the Magic Bag. Similar name, but way worse bouncers.
20 Monroe Live in Grand Rapids, MI
NEVADA
The Dive Bar - Las Vegas, NV
Jub Jub's Thirst Parlor - Reno, NV
MEXICO
Moustache Bar - Tijuana, MX


WYOMING
Ruffed Up Duck - Laramie, WY

ILLINOIS
reggies - chicago
Liars Club - Chicago, IL
NORTH DAKOTA
NO PLACE - basement venue in Bismarck North Dakota, Pays when able to and requested, all proceeds always go touring artists, and offers a room to crash in, and food as well <3

CANADA
The Phoenix Concert Theatre in Toronto

MAINE
The Kave (r.i.p?)
The State Theater
Thompson's Point
Bangor waterfront



Seacrets in o.c. Maryland and bottle and cork in Dewey beach Delaware are 2 of my favorites to see shows at
In the Hudson Valley area of NY I totally recommend BSP (Kingston), The Anchor (a bar in Kingston, they’re small but treat people super well and have a good crowd), and Upstate Concert Hall (Clifton Park). My personal favorites
The staff of El Corazon, in Seattle treat paying customers like shit and I've seen their "security" guards handcuff and beat people down. Note that The new Funhouse, that shares their facilities, doesn't have the same problems.
i'm kinda with shiranne. it'd be helpful to know more of what your criteria is. if you literally just want any and every venue then there are gonna be like 15 or 20 in every city in every country in the world. like, literally thousands. i feel like if you want an actual resource, then that kind of thing already exists with booking agents etc.
i mean in london there's koko, roundhouse, brixton academy, islington academy, hammersmith apollo, shepherds bush empire, troxy, oslo, the o2, wembley stadium, wembley arena, royal albert hall, village udnerground, heaven, ICA, barfly, 100 club, bush hall, dublin castle, union chapel, underworld, garage, alexandra palace, sebright arms, shacklewell arms, the lexington...... and probably a hundred more. i feel like just getting lists like that of every single city in the country probably isn't gonna be hugely helpful for you, or at least won't be any more helpful than just googling "(city name) live venues"
Here where I live the main ones for small shows are Cheers and Smith's and if it's big that would be the Morris Performing Arts Center. I don't know if that helps  but there you go.South Bend Indiana, technically Smith's is in Mishawaka, but same difference.
warehouse &tantra san marcos texas. hole in the wall austin tx. the prophet bar dallas tx . granada theater dallas tx
Sadly my favorite Baltimore venue (the Ottobar) is dealing with some troubling staff issues atm. I'm hoping they put their money where their mouth is because I really love that venue. The chameleon club in Lancaster, PA was weird to attend a show at (having tons of bored cops around after the show didn't help any
the UK has something called the Unsigned Guide. They have a list of promoters and small venues that handle their own bookings and want to be contacted by anyone.
Madison, WI:
High Noon Saloon: awesome venue. Very personal and friendly. Relatively accessible for disabled folks. My favorite, and I always beg people to play there. Generally 18/21+.
Orpheum Theatre: Overall good. Accessibility is so-so. I saw Flaming Lips here last year, and Marilyn Manson last week. Lips was my favorite large show ever, Manson was hell at the fault of him and the crowd, not the venue.
Overture Center: Eh? Pretty. Fancy. Accessible enough. Only saw one show there and the crowd was a bit pretentious, but it was fine.
Majestic Theatre: Awful for accessibility and lots of assholes frequent it. Venue treats bands well, but people show up and are super rude to bands and other patrons. People are there to drink and be pretentious assholes. i won't go back unless it's a really really good band. This venue ruined a concert that should have been my favorite by putting disabled seating near the pit and doing nothing to enforce safety for disabled folks. That was the last of several straws. I guess if you're able bodied and like getting wasted, it's fine. I'm not one of those people.Madison, WI:
High Noon Saloon: awesome venue. Very personal and friendly. Relatively accessible for disabled folks. My favorite, and I always beg people to play there. Generally 18/21+.
Orpheum Theatre: Overall good. Accessibility is so-so. I saw Flaming Lips here last year, and Marilyn Manson last week. Lips was my favorite large show ever, Manson was hell at the fault of him and the crowd, not the venue.
Overture Center: Eh? Pretty. Fancy. Accessible enough. Only saw one show there and the crowd was a bit pretentious, but it was fine.
Majestic Theatre: Awful for accessibility and lots of assholes frequent it. Venue treats bands well, but people show up and are super rude to bands and other patrons. People are there to drink and be pretentious assholes. i won't go back unless it's a really really good band. This venue ruined a concert that should have been my favorite by putting disabled seating near the pit and doing nothing to enforce safety for disabled folks. That was the last of several straws. I guess if you're able bodied and like getting wasted, it's fine. I'm not one of those people.
Over in the UK, I love The Sunflower Lounge in Birmingham; tiny place but amazing atmosphere. The Flapper is a nice venue down the road from ther on The Canal but that's at threat of closure to build flats.
In Wolverhampton there's The Slade Rooms which host a lot of amazing shows, then there's Clwb Ivor Bach which is pretty much the music highlight of Wales, closely followed by Le Pub, but that's in the most notorious rough part of the country
Things like the Dark Heart in Camden and the marwood cafe in brighton
Vinyl Music Hall , Pensacola, FL!!
Long island new york:
The Paramount
Revolution
Amityville Music Hall


The Royal in Utah! Also Christian Simeon is the devil in this industry steer clear of him. I also have a list of homes across the US that host traveling musicians if your interested
https://www.facebook.com/nashcrashpad/
https://www.easymapmaker.com/map/6861c5fa7806c90276ab4a0f77416737
Wooly's in Des Moines, IA!
I've erie, pa area for your list! kings rook club, scottys martini bar and sherlocks park place
Long Live 
3/7 Beachside Tavern- New Smynra Beach, FL
3/8 Filthy McNasty's- Vero Beach, FL
3/13 Gnat's Landing- Statesboro, GA
3/14 The Masquerade- Atlanta, GA
3/15 River Street (Rousakis Plaza Stage)- Savannah, GA
3/16 Wee Pub- St. Marys, GA
3/17 River Street (West Stage)- Savannah, GA
3/19 Venue TBA- St. Louis, MO
3/20 Venue TBA- Kansis City, MO
3/21 The Moxi Theater- Greeley, CO
3/22 The Roxy Theater- Denver, CO
3/24 Mesa Theater- Grand Junction, CO
3/25 Venue TBA- Salt Lake City, UT
3/26 The Dive- Las Vegas, NV
3/27 The Vibe- Riverside, CA
3/28 Velvet Jones, Santa Barbara, CA
3/29 710 Beach Club- San Diego, CA
3/30 The Slide Bar- Fullerton,  CA
4/1 Space Smoke Shop- Tucson, AZ
4/2 The Blue Max- Midland, TX
4/3 Rubber Gloves- Denton, TX
4/5 Siberia- New Orleans, LA
4/6 Coasters- Ft. Walton Beach, FL
4/8 Jack Rabbits- Jacksonville, FL
4/9 Venue TBA- St. Pete, FL
4/10 The West End- Sanford, FL
4/11 Swampgrass Willy's- Palm Beach Gardens, FL
4/12 Sports Page- Satellite Beach, FL

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Depression and all the feelings [28 Jan 2018|05:26pm]

I have heavy depression daily and medication doesn't help me at all. I still consider myself to be extremely productive considering the way i feel all the time. Thc helps a little bit but not any prescribed thing I'd be given if i went back to a dr. I've been through talk therapy as a teen/early 20s but not as an adult. But i also know the roots of all my issues and talk therapy doesn't offer another view other than what I already know. It doesn't offer me useful tools to use in my every day life that i haven't read on the internet or through group chats. I've found no solace in any therapist or doctor other than my massage therapist. But even he can't help with getting over my past/current traumas.

I also feel lots of things at once. I can be incredibly grateful and incredibly bitter at the exact same time. I can feel jealousy and empathy for two completely different things or even the same thing at the exact same time.  I have no way to differentiate or splice these feelings into separate emotions. It all comes as a wave, all at once, all the time.  I don't know anyone who feels like i feel and i dont know any doctors that have ever had to deal with something like this

also decent article
http://huffp.st/Cb6EBJh

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7 years [28 Jan 2018|12:30am]

it wouldve been our 7 year anniversary today

i know i made the right decision in the end but it doesnt make it hurt any less.

at least one of us is happier now even if it isnt me

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January 26th [27 Jan 2018|01:44am]

january 26th is usually a tough day for me. the trauma that all of us endured these days so many years ago will never leave us and deeply affected the way i live my life.

tonight was decent though.

i made a pasta for my grandma and she ate a decent amount which is good for her

i got paid extra out of nowhere

i brought my freezing friend a coat

i made it in time to catch the end of world inferno friendship society and they were still amazing after all these years. and i got in for free

hannibal buress came up on my tinder matches earlier in the night and then i passed him on the street randomly later

i got a lot of hugs and two of my friends walked me to my car even though i was fine but it made them feel better

the existential dread is still there but nothing excrutiatingly terrible happened today.

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Pain [27 Jan 2018|01:33am]

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Poem [26 Jan 2018|02:57am]

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Everyone should read this [25 Jan 2018|11:36pm]

http://theweek.com/articles/749978/female-price-male-pleasure

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Pops [25 Jan 2018|12:28pm]

i miss my grandpa

who ever said this gets easier is lying

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Inevitable death [15 Jan 2018|10:28pm]

im not saying im gonna kill myself or anything

im just saying if someone was trying to kill me for whatever reason..id probably just let them

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Distractions [03 Jan 2018|01:50pm]

there is no distractions

only soul crushing reality

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Dick vs tacos [02 Jan 2018|01:09am]

got rejected again

then

I went by the taco place and the line Is around the block..like damn ..cant get any dick or any tacos

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Brit [01 Jan 2018|05:39pm]

Im cutting up all these band/crew shirts and i pulled out some of brits stuff and it smells like her  and now im crying

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2018 [01 Jan 2018|01:42pm]
where i still feel as pathetic as i did yesterday

having the bastard suns post a video from their merch table where someone else was selling merch when they told me they weren't even bringing merch and i die inside because i still miss them even though they treat me like shit

not being able to get a date or even a kiss from anyone when there was a single dude there who even made a post about how single he is and wants someone to kiss. like i couldn't even get a kiss from that guy.

the shows were good though. having spred the dub and vibes farm around are super pleasant always. i got a kiss on the cheek at midnight from my homegirl which was nice. i hugged some new people that needed one.

Being a gemini is hard.. All of me is like THIS YEAR IS GONNA BE THE BEST EVER. ..also all of me is like .. SOMEONE JUST KILL ME PLEASE. all at the same time. mostly the ladder
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Nana episodes [31 Dec 2017|03:49pm]

Nana had an episode this morning where she was in sweat. Head rush.. Refused to goto a walkin/ER .. I made her food and a smoothie and she feels kind of better but her blood sugar is still low even though she ate a bunch. She kept saying "this can't happen to me too" ..im making her soup now. She called me a Blessing and now I'm crying

Now shes trying to dictate how i make soup when it's always fucking good..like damn nana..calm down

also i have literally no one to kiss later

Im trying not to be depressed..but I'm really fucking depressed

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Car bullshit [29 Dec 2017|04:46pm]


i spent $400 last week to fix a flat tire/new axle that got busted on a job. last night my car overheated and my radiator is apparently cracked. another $500-$600. all still less than buying/registering a new car.  i dont have any other options other than pay it anyway because i need to get to work this week.

but damn this fucking sucks.

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Joey what the fuck [26 Dec 2017|01:07am]

we were friends

f

o

r

a

l

m

ost 20 years . we had romantic interludes over 10-15 years ago wayyy before i moved to florida. So when he came to florida he lived on my couch and NEVER LEFT. Like we (MY BOYFRIEND AND I)  had to literally move out before we convinced him he couldn't come with us. We had tried to motivate him to leave but he verbally manipulated us into letting him stay longer each time.  I originally thought i could help him get back on his feet when he first got there but he literally sat on my couch, did tons of drugs, watched bullshit and never applied for jobs.  When we were close friends/paramores he was a massage therapist with motivation and goals. I really thought i could help.

I was also told by friends that he made them feel uncomfortable at certain times over the course of his stay..but i always thought it was the drugs and not him particularly. When he was with me he wasn't like that. And i had never known him to be like that beforehand.

When he left florida i heard he had some accusations about sexual harassment in another state and possibly had jail time. Which i assumed at the time HAD to be some kind of mistake.  He was a kind human. My friend. Soulful.  He's had a slew of bad luck which is probably from lack of motivation

In regards to the screenshots ..I legitimately don't remember having sex at any point in florida with him. In a tent or otherwise. Also why bring up being pegged by someone so randomly.  I directly told him that i was busy today and he still asked me to meet him in an hour. I directly told him we realistically would never be intimate again and he's still acting like i might.

He legitimately doesn't understand why everything he's saying is super fucking rude and disrespectful and i don't know how to explain it to him. But I'd like to because i think he still has the capability to be a good/better person because he definitely was before. I know people change but i don't know if i should just ghost/block him or try to help him realize his mistakes even though i don't know what to say.

What the fuck Joey ..Damn

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Real jobs [24 Dec 2017|01:30pm]

Meanwhile my grandma came in to talk and asked if i had a "legitimate" job ..and then i went off on her while crying and how these jobs are my real jobs and i do get paid and they mean more to me than anything else i do ever and its still heartwrenching every fucking time they say things like that. ive only been doing this  20 fucking years.

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Crash of the Landos [23 Dec 2017|05:12am]

Tw Rape/sexual assault/feelings

I found out today that a person i considered my friend raped my other friend/his supposed best friend. He was supposedly blackout drunk and  apparently doesn't remember the incident at all even though he admitted to it and apologized for it in text. This incident happened last month ..She's been abused before and he knows this. He knows everything about her. She confronted him this week and again today. Now he's saying it never happened and she's lying and he isn't capable of doing something like that. Blaming her family/upbringing  for her "dishonesty". 

I'm having a hard time processing my feelings about this. This is not okay. It's breaking my heart. I've spent real time with him..he was my friend. We were all a part of another group where i met them. Like, how could my friend fucking rape someone? He needs help. And she even wishes no ill will on him. She wants him to get help. For himself to live a better/happy life. I feel partly the same. I want him to live a better life and better himself. But the rage in me and my inability to deal with my feelings in a healthy manner just wants him to suffer even though i know he's already suffering in other ways. I called him out in our other group and he was removed from the group. She left the group a while ago directly related to this incident but i didn't know why.

My heart is for her. She is believed and her feelings are valid. I don't know how to help or what to say. Not that there's much i can do. She is in Georgia and I'm in florida.  Even when dealing with my own traumas, it all gets pushed to a "it happens/who's actually surprised" place. Which also isn't really acceptable in my heart, but what else can we do.

I haven't deleted him from my friends list because i want to see if he talks shit. But also i want to smash that fucking delete button so hard at the same time. But also i really do want him to get help. When he's not drunk, he was a decent person. But it's not something I'm qualified to help anyone with.

I don't know what to do now. Just so many feelings at once take over my life about lots of different things at once. I don't have any healthy outlet or coping mechanism.

Thankful for a vent space  though

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Nicole wrote this about me [21 Dec 2017|12:20am]

Viva

I miss the weave of friend bodies engulfing each other in cuddles– platonic affection unhesitantly demonstrated:

waves of hugs; in the basement, staring at the ceiling highlighted with strings of lights, cushions covering all the cold concrete floor, and our sea of crisscrossing legs and arms, baggy pants and fishnet sleeves, and zoning out because why would we ever sleep?

Viva was a centerpiece to the orbit of snuggles. Her endearing laughter and constant warmth, her verbosity of love, the best vests, vibrant colors, and purple hair. She smelled floral.

When I was a high school freshman, she was a sophomore bubble of reassuring joviality, embracing me at each intersection of our paths: by the flagpole, in the cafeteria, at the bus stop.

We’d playfully kiss while we were dancing at parties, disco colors spinning on the ceiling, and strut around, the pack of kids in boots and good humor.

Strobe light strip twister was the funniest invention of a game; you can guess how that worked.

For a little while I frequented the goth club where she worked, doing my best impression of a melted pre-Raphaelite Ophelia. The cigarette smoke was dense, and the music was not quite to my taste.

The scene by the creek at the rope swing where a pack of 20 or so of us would strip down and swim or sunbathe in the patches of light that sprinkled through the forest was one of my favorites.

When I was 19, she dyed my hair. It was the first time I’d done it, the first time it was short – we were going for cerulean- but we ran out of blue, so she added purple and pink, and I dubbed myself a snow cone.
Years later, I realized I knew so few details of her life. Our affection was so congruent and comfortable, I guess, for once, I didn’t talk myself into and out of depths of my feeling and history or ask for hers, and just felt happy.

Now we share pieces of story I’ve never heard before. It’s been years since we were in close enough proximity to curl up and purr near each other. I miss this so much.

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