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Anti fa [30 Jul 2019|04:45pm]

Let's do some quick math, friends:

- Antifa is not an organization; nobody belongs to it, there are no membership rolls. So you cannot prove you do not belong to it.

- If you have shown up to a protest, if you have been in a picture showing you were near a protest, if you have offered first aid at a political demonstration or shown up as clergy support or carried a sign or made a Facebook post or LIKED a post saying you're against fascism, you could be accused of being a "member of Antifa," and you can't prove it's not true.

- If this measure to declare "Antifa" "domestic terrorists" passes, that means you and I can be arrested and prosecuted as "domestic terrorists." No, really, you too.

- We passed a bunch of laws and rulings back in 2002 or so declaring that accused terrorists don't get due process, and can be held indefinitely without trial, tortured, and so on.

- The Trump administration also just declared that they're opening up the death penalty for federal crimes, like terrorism, for the first time in years.

- We have a whole bunch of new for-profit detention camps for holding people in indefinitely without trial, where people are dying right now from nightmarish conditions.

- ICE is running around right now, without badges or uniforms or warrants, disappearing people--including US citizens--and locking them up, and fully half their agents belong to a Facebook group where they shared racist jokes, bragged about the violence they'd done to the subhuman animals they're locking up, and talked about how they wanted to assault and rape political figures they don't like.

- This is a license to lock up and execute political dissenters and community organizers without due process and the pieces have all been put in place to use it.

- We are running out of time to stop this train.

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Acab [21 Jun 2019|12:16pm]

It has been repetitively ruled by courts that police have no responsibility to protect the community, only and specifically to enforce laws

The police are the ones who unjustly target black people, poor people, and especially poor black people nationwide, on a systemic and complete level

The police are the ones who protect each other from consequences of wrongdoing

The police are the ones who approach peaceful protests with militarized shows of force

The police are the ones who plant drugs, guns, and other incriminations on people who are innocent

The police are the ones killing people on whim and reflex and then spinning false trails to justify it

These are not isolated, uncommon, or abnormal anywhere in the country, least of all in cities like Chicago, New York, Detroit, and St. Louis.

I know that police originated in America as a racist task force, to support systemic white supremacy.

I know that the police still serve the same function, serving rich white interests and protecting capital.

I know that they are a system that can be entirely replaced with community policing (a term police organizations have recently co-opted in an effort to seem community friendly).

I know that even good cops support bad ones because of the concept of the thin blue line.

I know that a system is vastly more likely to change you than you are to change it

I know that it's more than a few bad apples.

I know that white supremacists have been purposefully infiltrating police for decades.

I know that the police are an organization and environment that foster and encourage white supremacy, which both led to this infiltration and builds from it.

I know that police are class traitors.

I know that the world would be better off if every police officer quit their job

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Moms [13 Jun 2019|12:41pm]

My friends mom who I love was put in hospice yesterday. I just found out. She always took me in when I'd run away from home or needed any place to go if I wasnt at ilyse's or brit's house. She was the best person. I'm really sad.

Meanwhile I cant even get my own mom to be nice to me or want to spend time with me. All I want is for her to actually want to spend time with me and hug me, but she's too busy and/or actively doesnt want to.

What even is family

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Plz help [08 Jun 2019|09:48pm]


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Mike ness pt duex [04 Jun 2019|06:48pm]

Mike ness and his family are at the restaurant we're at right now 😅😅

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Mike ness [04 Jun 2019|12:45pm]

Mike ness and his son was sitting next to us in a coffee shop in Nashville and no one said anything to him. Me and our drummer just stared at him then talked about it when we left

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today is your birthday you wouldve been 35 [29 May 2019|01:56pm]
today is your birthday
you would have been 35
there's nothing i could want more
than you still being alive
you're still in my thoughts
pretty much every day
a picture, a memory, a laugh
it doesn't fade away
it isn't any easier still
how could it possibly be
i can still feel your embrace
from the last time you hugged me
i still wonder what you'd be doing now
i'd wonder if you'd feel strong
all your dreams of consciousness
all struggling to belong
i wonder if you'd visit me
you always liked the beach
except when it was raining
your hair would get wet and you'd screech
i know my words seem kinda short today
the world is still a mess
my thoughts are over populated
but you brought out my best
you should have been 35 today
i still wish there's something i could do
but i'll never be complete again
not without you

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Cw.. depression..current events..bernie sanders [17 May 2019|01:19pm]

There's a bernie sanders rally today in whatever town we're in now.. 2 hours from our show tonight.. And I'm like how is that gonna help us (humanity) as a whole.. Going to listen to bernie sanders talk about truths we already know and still cant do anything about. For what.. To motivate HIS political agenda? ..the one he resigned from anyway. The one while even in all his good ideas/motivations, he's still just an old white man taking people's money making decisions for people that never asked him to..he has no fucking platform or influence anymore..he couldn't and can't save us now..what is the point?

I'm depressed and the house we're staying in now/last night has a HUGE trump sign when you walk in.. I'm hiding in this overly pink room i slept in and i dont want to go downstairs to talk to anyone

Thr state of the world isn't okay. I talk to my best friend and you all without judgement, but i cant have political conversations in real life. With family, people, friends, anyone. I dont want to have these conversations to be continually told I'm wrong. To be continually told we matter when we so clearly don't. To anyone. Any person of authority. All the people that care and want to change the way things are have no platform to do so. It feels so hopeless. To just accept all death of womxn and POC and just continually be told "well it's not happening to you".. And it hasn't...yet. But it still affects every fiber of my being, my soul. I dont have money to donate. I don't have a voice loud enough for anyone to hear. I don't have spoons to constantly have defend everything i know in my heart to be right to people that don't care. I can't do anything but be selfish, hug people, work for bands who can't really pay me but i still help them because they need it and i need it. This undying need to feel useful, like I'm making some kind of difference, even though i don't feel like i am most of the time. But i also don't know what to do instead. I feel so lost. My heart hurts for all of us and i can't do anything or defend any of us in a real way that makes a difference or influence.

What now?

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cruise. family. moving. stuff [13 Apr 2019|12:18am]
cw a lot of complaining about my hurt feelings and life issues

everyone else had a really good time on the cruise. i had to get up at 5:30/6am every single fucking day. even on days nana didn't want to go to the classes, she went back to sleep and i laid there, awake, wishing i was legitimately dead rather than feeling the body spazms from being so violently annoyed and awake for no reason. Being up that early and ALL DAY with barely any sleep cause nana kept the room 100 degrees and turned it warmer every time she got up to go to the bathroom to the point where i was sweating and got so dehydrated it caused a massive heat exhaustion which hurt my body for days is ridiculous and unhealthy. i even got her four extra blankets she made excuses to not sleep under. But my physical and mental health didn't matter to her no matter how many times i pleaded with her. my mom offered me to sleep on the couch in her and jacks room. i'm like okay, y'all got me this ticket to take care of nana, but i cant sleep in my own bed or have any sense of being remotely comfortable? everyone seemed super inconsiderate and With no escape or time for myself, it caused massive stress, anxiety and more body pain. even when i was walking around the boat at night with my headphones on, there was still thousands of people on the boat that i had to fake smile at, use my energy to make others feel better, or make elevator small talk. no relief for me though, no escape. no relaxation, no vacation, no one cared, no one still cares. my family definitely doesn't care and made that very apparent. i have a feeling i'll always be some hooligan delinquent to them whose opinions and feelings don't matter to them at all. my mom consciously avoided me the entire time and i called her out on it and she laughed in my face and was like "i just needed a break" .. in my head i'm like Needed a break?!. I barely see you and talk to you cause you're always busy but okay. she couldn't spend more than 5 minutes with me and nana, let alone any actual time that was just the two of us. she couldnt even just walk around silent with me and hold my hand. or i guess just didn't want to. It really fucking hurts when i'm such a burden to my own mother she makes excuses to not spend time with me. I guess i'm too different from everyone in my family. my step siblings have babies now. they're all doctors and computer specialists. i've been a union member for 9 years but that ain't shit to them. they gloat about me in front of people cause i built the stage for the pope in 2008 and do theatre productions and then tell me to get real jobs or do something different with my life to make money because apparently my dreams and life goals don't matter. they told me they'd give me a ride home but didn't actually have room for me, then called me a lyft while nana was in the bathroom so i didn't even get to say goodbye to her.

they told me the house isn't selling so they want to rent it out instead of letting us stay there and save money even though they don't actually need the money. all i do is ask for more time and no one gives a definitive answer. but also no one asks me why because they don't care. we still don't have enough to move into somewhere new, i cant even apply because i need my tax return which i don't have because i had to file an extension because i was apparently missing a w2 but i have no clue which one since i get so many and that it wouldn't be available to finish until mid may. i need the tax return because i don't get regular pay stubs and it is the only other option they'll take for most apartments. my car keeps breaking even though i just put in over $2000 based off the employees recommendation to keep my car. the new manager person made me feel worse while i was crying my fucking eyes out in the office there. like if you pay over $2000, you'd expect your car to not fuck up every single time you turn it on. i will never take my car back there and it's so depressing because they've been decent and honest for the past 6 years and all of a sudden within 3-4 months everything has changed. what the fuck is that about. and i have my car insurance i still have to pay on it while getting a dentist treatment this week but we're supposed to move out within the next 3 weeks. it's so unrealistic. I leave for a tour may 3rd to the 18th, my brother's wedding is may 24-26th and then i leave again may 31st to june 16th. i have a bunch of work this week and next week, bf works every day but 2pm to midnight or later. and he's dealing with his own family stuff cause his brother has a brain tumor and might die. but my family would rather make money off this house than to actually help me.

the decent things about the cruise was obviously the food. the indian food was better than the rest of the food. more flavorful. i ate meat and felt awful about it and still do. but it was delicious and perfectly cooked. it hurt my body and my heart and i constantly wonder why i have so much control when it comes to other things but not food even though i feel so awful and i know it's all wrong. some of the shows were decent, all the actors/staff was super friendly/super talented. but a bunch of it wasn't my taste. only one out of the 4 comedians were actually funny. the lighting was incredible. for not that big of a stage, it was an electric rig with lovely gobos. and the stage had a rotating floor/secret elevating spots that was dope. the ports in the islands didn't smell like the ocean even though it was surrounded by it. i thought that was strange.
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Moving stress [21 Feb 2019|12:26pm]

Nothing is better..everything is significantly more stressful and now my mom is mad at me cause i said fuck in a text message and is deciding to cut off my phone while I'm not even gonna be in town. When she knows i have to pay my car insurance. In the middle of trying to find an apartment..like okay that's not super petty at all. All the while blaming me for an issue she unnecessarily caused when I'm literally the only one here doing anything in the house.  FOR THEM

I wake up early and depressed every day but continue to do all this for my family who clearly doesn't appreciate me or consider me in any conversations regarding this family or the selling of this house.

Why tell me i can come to you with problems and concerns if you're gonna shoot me down and make me feel inadequate for feeling in general.. You're the one who gave me these feelings..i never asked to be born or raised the way i was with all the trauma you chose to ignore..but sure, telling me to just get over it Will totally help.

I'm not going on the first week of tour today even though i put a ton of my own effort into getting a free ride up and paying out of pocket i can't afford to get a ride to my next tour. Cause trying to live your dreams while living in chaos is/was still possible.. But no..not for me...it's really hard to accept that all my dreams are so dependant on others. I can't achieve anything i want without help and no one i love or consistently support will actually help.. So easily replaceable by random strangers who don't care about you, the music, or the merch

Now I'll be stuck in this house with my mom and uncle who continually don't understand me and don't try to. Everything i do is apparently for nothing. Why do i continue...with anything.

I dont want to argue or fight..everything is stressful enough as it is

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on top of everything [14 Jan 2019|02:47pm]
my grandma is gone. she's at my moms.

my mom originally said she wanted to wait to sell the house.. now all of a sudden it's going on the market next week.. LESS THAN A FUCKING WEEK SINCE SHE'S BEEN GONE. she wants to have it sold by May. which isn't a long time actually.

i thought i'd have some time at least. to save something. but actually my car just fucking broke again so there goes the rest of my fucking savings. it's completely depleted. and i only have one job this next week. which i need my car for. so i have to pay over $1300 today. cool

i'm used to relying on myself for everything and now i have to be super dependent on my bf, which is whatever, he's stoked to do it. super supportive. but for me, it's not okay. i'm used to having actual work. on a semi regular basis.

now i'm significantly more overwhelmed with trying to pack up this house and continually take things 4 hours each way to my moms house.. while continually trying to get work and packing and organizing my own things and being considerate of the other person living with me without flipping out. it's pretty difficult to maintain a fake happy about everything going on.

i need help or work or something else.. and i don't know where to get any of these things
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goodbye nana [01 Jan 2019|11:22pm]
cw grandmas, leaving, feelings,

my grandma leaves tomorrow and i'm super emotional

my boyfriend drank too much and threw up in my bed this morning. he doesn't remember throwing up last night either. he feels really bad and made my grandma and mom and their friends a really fancy dinner and is doing all the dishes.

living in this big house with my boyfriend and not my grandma is not how i thought this year would go.

my mom being here is surprisingly calming.

i know it's really for the best that she's going, but i'm still not ready and i keep crying super randomly and i wish i could just stop
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Heartache [20 Dec 2018|04:18pm]

Cw grandmas, hospitals, probably not coming home. Didnt get the job i wanted

My grandma is in the hospital again. She most likely isnt coming home this time. Probably get transferred to a rehab up by my mom's house.
I almost flew home early the other day from tour but I'm home sunday. I knew it would happen eventually, i just thought I'd have more time.

I'll have to find a new place to live. Change my entire life since it's been primarily dedicated to my grandparents since i moved to florida.

I'm not really ready for any of this and I'm not even home yet.

My bf has been an angel and gone to see her, brought her stuff from the house, checks on her every day.  I'm so grateful even though i feel guilty because it is my responsibility. Not his. But he loves her and has his own special relationship with her so he's just doing everything he can.

I also didnt get the merch job for Hamilton. Ive been emailing this lady since April. And the ONE FUCKING EMAIL she didn't get was the important one with the availability and everything. But she got my followup emails and the resend of the original but it was still too late. Ive been waiting for this for three fucking years.  But its fine. I can dedicate myself to nana in my time home..until i leave again

Hopefully my heart will be okay by then

But I'm really fucking sad

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Nana [20 Dec 2018|03:08pm]

Apparently nana probably isn't coming home from the hospital and/or rehab.

My heart isn't ready

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Tour schedule [09 Dec 2018|08:53pm]

Right now i have

Joey harkum
jan 28 to feb 4 - florida/virgin islands

Ether california tour with yeshira
feb 14 to march 4th ish

Dirty wax with jason devore, mike pinto and russ baum florida run
March 8 to 18th

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New Orleans [06 Dec 2018|05:25pm]

Cw anti abortionist in new orleans, almost violence

There were some anti abortionists on the street harassing people after the people there asked them to leave. Two guys in my band got in their faces until they left. The antiabortionists made a tarot reader cry. Some of them were 15 years old. Why do they care so much? Are they gonna pay for all the born unwanted children they are causing or trying to "save"? They have nothing better to do with their time in new orleans except harass women on the street until they cry? They claimed one of my dudes assaulted them by taking their phone when we didnt actually touch them. I almost broke their sign and heavily thought about punching them in the fucking face. The cops showed up and we dipped.

This band is unprofessional and they're awful to each other and this tour has been kind of hard for me but they always stand up for what's right and i love them for that 💜

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Things i want [29 Nov 2018|09:23pm]

Portable camera stand

Maybe a new/different lens

Over the ear headphones

Large sized music player

Steele toe black work shoes

Tour shoes

Pelican 1510 or one or two sizes bigger

Tour luggage

Car good for travel. Low milage. Under $5000

Hamilton tickets

To see more turtles

More island and europe tours

A sense of fulfillment again


To ease Nana's soul as she gets older

Cheaper and more accessible good vegan food

Money to give to bands and ilyse

Self inflating air mattress that is quiet while blowing up


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10 08 [09 Oct 2018|05:20am]
on 10 08 i got a dog fashion disco tattoo
on 10 08 i share this day with ilyse as it's the same day she got her dfd tattoo 7 years ago
on 10 08 i rode a bike over six miles
on 10 08 i saw sea lions and so many birds
on 10 08 i ate delicious tacos and then sushi and ramen that night
on 10 08 i did laundry and repacked my bag
on 10 08 i still got to sleep in a bed even after our hosts got back from their vacation
on 10 08 i listened to music i haven't heard in years
on 10 08 i am grateful that we have another day off in san diego but i'm also so very ready to get back to the shows
on 10 08 i got asked on another tour from nov 23 to dec 23rd
on 10 08 i hope i dream about all the hugs i got today and all the hugs i'll get when i get home
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tour two weeks in [03 Oct 2018|10:47pm]
tour is amazing

i climbed a mountain today and didn't die coming back down. we walked through abandoned train tunnels. we were above the clouds. it was rainy and terrifying. i pissed on top of the mountain while the others were off somewhere else.

i get to see ilyse in two days. <3 <3 <3

i've already made more money in two weeks than i have on any other tour. hopefully i'll be able to save it.

the boys are sweet and kind and accommodating. its surprising how much they apologize for things that aren't their fault. it must be a maryland thing. growing up in some kind of suffrage and heartache. but you can hear that in the songs anyway

i've gotten a bed every night. that never happens. i've barely spent any money, which is amazing.

i miss my boyfriend and getting all the kisses though. he's doing well at his job and has patience with nana. even though he's getting more frustrated which is understandable, but he still explains everything to her with patience and she eventually sees it his way even though she forgets soon after. i hope he still likes me when i get back.

almost sold out of merch. sold over $2000 in a week and a half. we had to order more. we couldn't get more hats in time but more shirts are on the way. killin it. they're talking about a florida tour in january and to st thomas.

i'm definitely going to frozen harbor music festival this year. it might be the last one. i'd turn down hamilton to go. that's how much i want to go. joey said he'd fly me up to sell merch.

utah was beautiful. we stayed at a feed the scene type house overlooking a mountain that had a hot tub. we ate frozen pizzas and took dabs

colorado was beautiful and we got so much free food and free weed. some people didn't come out who said they were going to. but some people did come out. i had the best jambalaya of my life in pueblo.

iowa was surprisingly wild, but not surprisingly filled with old shitty white guys making shitty "joking" comments to me.

pittsburgh was mellow but the opening bands were incredible and i met another tall ginger whos also named ryan who plays in the band. we're best friends now. aka we occasionally message each other pictures of clouds. he's definitely on my vibe.

ohio was rad. tropidelic is amazing forever. i got a free patch that fit right on the front of my vest.

chicago was cold. we stayed with gabe. even though all the guys slept in the van when there was more than enough room inside. my cousins came to say hi. donovan showed up after the show and was super funny and we hugged a bunch. we saw the bean. it was shiny.

really though... I GET TO SEE ILYSE IN TWO DAYS
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be kind [26 Sep 2018|02:21pm]
dan popejoy killed himself.

his last words on fb were "be kind"

but he didn't show me kindness.

before he was "famous" he was someone who disrespected me intimately then never talked to me again for years and deleted me from facebook. he started this charity that supposedly helped people. but when my mom donated over 12 bags of clothes and kitchen items he couldn't even get me the receipt he promised for her. we would agree on a time and place to meet to donate more things and he would no call/no show. when I'd see him at shows or at his charity bar he was cordial. he'd ask me for help but never follow through when i offered to help even when i didn't want to. but the music community was/is more important than my disdain for him. now all these people are coming out of the woodwork saying how amazing he was as a person and how much he cared. but did he really care? he left his business partners and family in a lurch. but then also why is his charity under investigation because no one really knows where the donations and money went to. if he was so legit, why was he selling shitty drugs out of his bar. why didn't he practice good business ethics if that's what he claimed to be about. why wasn't he actually kind or honest about anything he was doing. just falsities. lies under a calm face. i didn't reach out to him for any type of friendly conversation but why should i have?

his death is bringing the lake worth community together again. as most deaths/suicides/Ods do. they make t shirts and put on a benefit show to raise funds for the family. but is it in vain because he wasn't actually the nice person everyone claims he was. or do i just feel this way because he wasn't nice to me when there wasn't any cause for it. what did he actually do for the community that didn't have suspicion behind it.

i didn't like him but i didn't wish him death. i just wanted him to be a better person. or move away. he had so many other options which he chose not to take. everyone is sad surrounding his death. i'm not. i feel bad that don't feel worse. I know everyone struggles with their own demons. but if you have other options and you don't exhaust all of them before you choose to take your own life, then you didn't deserve your life. he could've done a lot of good with his platform of where he was at, but he didn't. he started something and didn't follow through or really know what he was doing. now he's left his partners and friends to figure out all of his shit. there were other options

he could've just been nice and maybe his life would've been different.
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