well lets start with today and move backwards...
i got my hair cut REALLY REALLY REALLY short, i look like a boy again (like i did in like 4th grade) i dont mind it, my mom was SO pissed! She was like "the wedding's SO soon and you go and fuck up your head!" my grandma is coming in from florida tomarrow and so she'll probably freAK OUT. so that was and will be interesting....
i also got my bridesmaids dress for my uncles wedding, its peach colored but i'm learnign to deal with it...its really nice... i love the jacket, its shiny with flowers... they made a matching bag to go with it, its cute...
so as for yesterday...
the whole thign with ryan...if it is such a secret, then why does EVERYONE (excluding fedeli) know but me...i dont like being left out of the loop..or maybe its just all of your ways to repent against me cause i'm leaving soon. it hurts to be left out...just because i'm leaving and going to israel doesnt mean i wont come back, it doesnt mean that i dont love you all..especially my two best friends in the whole universe...
To me it seems like Chris has just been a complete asshole in my point of view... or maybe just to me personally... but i know he's been going through some emotional shit, and i still cant do anything about it..but it feels like forever since i have even talked to him..none theless hung out with him....
i feel like all my friends are pushing me away, and i'm not sure why they are doing it.. i've been pretty happy all year in general.. i'm not depressed anymore, i stopped taking the anti-depressants.. and now there is a whole bunch of shit going on... i have never lied to my friends unless it was unimportant like to make someone feel better or something...but i dont lie to my friends cause i dont have a reason too and now everyone isnt being honest with me and it hurts and i dont know why...what have i done that i deserve to be outcasted like this? why lie or try to cover up or just be like "dont worry about it" of course i worry about it, i worry about everything whether i show it or not I do... and its driving me insane knowing that my friends, my BEST friends, my friends who i spend all of my time with are just kicking me out like this..i dont know what to do and i'm in a dilema, i dont want to lose my friends and i dont want them to push me away...especially because of me leaving, that would kill me... if anything we should be closer because i'm leaving...i've been thinking about everything for the past week and i've cried SO MUCH....so much...and it sucks!
with prom, i dont even know if i'm gonna go now... Mark probably wont be able to go and if this whole thing keeps up and everyone shuts me out, i probably dont want to be there anyway.. plus its money i can save...so i dont even know anymore
in the past day i've gotten a LOT closer with fedeli, like we used to be when we talked about everything, like last year... its nice...thanks so much, its really appriciated.
Happy Pesach to the JewCrew!
if anyone of my friends is interested in coming to Seder (dinner) this sunday, let me know...email me Divavivalefreek@aol.com
peace and love