May 11th, 2010

hand

(no subject)

I've been under an obscene amount of stress lately. on top of PMSing and being congested, We just moved in and i've barely spent any time at home or had any time to myself..it's mostly been driving 40 miles each way back and forth to ft lauderdale driving/picking up doug from work or my grandma to doctors appointments. this is like every other day, sometimes twice a day. then we got the gas turned on and somethings wrong so we're getting a new stove. so trying to coordinate that w/ the lanlord. then trying to find work in the area, helping Angie get set up with her stuff except she's barely been here cause she got a boyfriend. everything's going so fast it's like there's no time to actually enjoy any of it because there's so much other stuff to do first. and if i'm not doing the stuff i know needs to get done, i feel useless and can't really enjoy myself anyway. but a lot of it depends on waiting on other people, and if they don't have their shit together, I still feel useless.

and on top of all that I got in a car accident last night on the way to pick up doug. I was slowing down at an intersection but my brakes wouldnt stop all the way. i'm a fuck up, can't do anything right,everything's always my fault, i get it. I'm more worried, well not so much worried, but i really just don't want to hear it from my family. like i get it, accidents happen. Obviously i meant to hit the car in front of me, thats what I live to do is just fuck shit up.. the other car was fine, a minor scratch on the bumper. My brother's car needs a new headlight and hood. i can barely afford to live right now. I still don't know how i'm going to get money for rent this month. I like my apartment and my neighborhood. but the whole being forced into it in a very short amount of time with not a lot of preparation is taking its toll. I like to be prepared, make sure i'm able to take care of myself. And I'm pretty much just getting fucked with work. I'm terrified of failing myself. I can deal with being a dissapointment to my family, i'm used to that. but i always managed to keep going, but if I fail myself. then I don't even know what i'm going to do. then i'll have nothing.

to confuse me even more, doug's being a lot more affectionate. which is awesome. it's what I wanted, but how long is it gonna last. I don't want it at all if he's just going to stop in like a week or something. my heart can't take it and it's making me crazy. and he's not verbal about anything regarding us really. and I don't think he knows how to vocalize anything about it either. I really do feel emotionally unstable almost all of the time. but I keep composure on the outside. I don't have an outlet. I have people to talk to but it mostly just feels like complaining and there's not really any solutions or anyone to offer helpful advice.

next week i'll be in houston texas for 3 days for my cousin's wedding.
in july i'm in theory going to maryland for a few days for my other cousin's wedding. I'm supposed to be driving up there to get more of my stuff, but I don't know if that's going to happened as planned now. I hate plans. nothing works out for me when i plan things. almost any time I've planned something, it's resulted in some type of car accident..wtf. ideally though, i want to leave FL on the 5th or 6th, drive to MD, see frenchie, ilyse, brit, ashluh, matlock, ross and some others, go pack my stuff in the car, goto the wedding, then leave MD on the 11th or so to come back.

moving to a completely new place is really hard.. i was in maryland for 20 years. i had that time to grow, set up connections, network. here i have to start from scratch at the bottom and still end up with the same results or better results. which realistically, doesn't happen. well doesn't happen for me. i'm not good at just jumping into whatever is around and winning at life. i have to work my ass off to get what i want and it's really fucking hard. All I hear is that I need to be doing more, that it's all not enough. even when there's no one saying it to me, i still hear it. still judged by nonexisting voices. don't know how to stop it or stop caring.

i really don't think i'm a bad person, but all this bad shit happening has to be karma for something i think. i really do feel like god hates me sometimes. all i try to do is help people and help myself. i don't understand why that's wrong. i'm just trying to do good. nothing's ever enough it seems. so now what? i don't really have any other choice but to keep going or kill myself and the ladder isn't really an option. so what do i change? if anything. what am i supposed to do or be doing? .. all i want is help and i feel like there's no help. definitely no help without judgement, but no help at all, really?

music isn't saving me like it used to.
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