October 15th, 2010

blue rose

Dear Jordan,

It's been over three months since you left me. It hasn't really gotten any easier. Life goes on, but all the things that remind me of you are so much more present now. I constantly see and hear things I know you would be ecstatic about. Things that remind me of you so much. You had so many options and you chose none of them. I truly believe Florida could have saved you. The community here is so full of life and hope and music. People from all different backrounds and places brought together by their love of music, their love to create and share experiences with everyone. You've never felt a real home until you feel the warmth that these people bring to everyone who knows them. They know pain and hardships, they know the worst parts of life also. They know how to help and support eachother at the times when it really matters. They could have helped. I could have helped. I know being in a change of atmosphere helps. I know how growing up in Maryland affects people. I know about your hardships and feelings. I know about your love, passion, and dreams. I know through the time we spent together. I know through your music you created. I can't even begin to express what your music has done for me. Your lyrics, your melodies, the way you play, the way you look when you play. I really don't think you'll ever know how much I truly loved you. The last time I saw you, I was upset for me. The last time I spoke to you, I was upset for you. I had talked to you four days before you left. Only four days. We skyped. You smiled, made jokes, played me music, brought so much joy. You always brought so much light and passion to everything you were involved in. I loved your parents house. I loved the times we shared there. The movies we watched, the music and jokes we shared. The stories we told about shows and friends and experience.. I didn't get a proper goodbye, a last embrace, a warning. I'm bitter. I'm selfish. I know that it's okay. I wish you put yourself first sometimes. I know that your heart was too big to let yourself. You'll never know how much you've impacted my life, my heart, and my memories forever. I hope you're happy now and have found the peace you were looking for. I hope everyone that's been touched by you in one way or another feels happiness for you too and believes that you are well now. I just hope that you come back to me in one way or another. I hope you watch over me and guide me in a way I could never apparently do for you. I hope you know that i'll always love you and respect everything you are. I hope you found the changing tide.