February 27th, 2018


Nana in the hospital

i left around 530pm. i got home around 8pm. the front door was unlocked. food left on the counter. very unlike her. i tried to.call her cellphone a bunch of times. marjie came over shortly after i did and told me she was at bethesda west. i immediately left the house and rushed here.

She's talking nonstop. Kind of incoherently. She's very concerned about letting her bridge partner know she cant make it tomorrow. She says she feels nautious. They are gonna  give her some nausea medicine and something for the vertigo. They say her vitals are fine.
She has a lot of anxiety and had a lot of trouble taking the pills and keeping her eyes open. But also the nurse jackie was being kind of forceful and not super tolerant or listening to nana at all. they moved her upstairs. 

the neurologist came in and said her test showed positive for marijuana. She apparently got into my gummies that were vacuumed sealed shut in the bottom of the back refrigerator. She says she ate a small handful. shes never had thc in her whole life. It doesn't make sense why she would do that. She doesn't like gummies or that type of candy. but supposedly that's what happened.

I seriously cant believe this fucking happened though and it's my fault. But also hers.  she didn't know it was medicated but Like why would you eat stuff you know isn't yours and you don't know where it came from. Who does that.

I feel so fucking sick about all of this and i know everyones just gonna make me feel worse about it like that's fucking necessary.

my moms coming tomorrow.

its always one thing after another


my mom showed up. i went home

She ate 14 fucking gummies..holy shit..350mg .. Like i wouldve been in the hospital too. She cut open my vaacum sealed bag. damn nana...damn



Ulysses by Alfred Lord Tennyson

It little profits that an idle king,
By this still hearth, among these barren crags,
Match'd with an aged wife, I mete and dole
Unequal laws unto a savage race,
That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me.
I cannot rest from travel: I will drink
Life to the lees: All times I have enjoy'd
Greatly, have suffer'd greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone, on shore, and when
Thro' scudding drifts the rainy Hyades
Vext the dim sea: I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known; cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honour'd of them all;
And drunk delight of battle with my peers,
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.
I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethro'
Gleams that untravell'd world whose margin fades
For ever and forever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use!
As tho' to breathe were life! Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains: but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this gray spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.

         This is my son, mine own Telemachus,
To whom I leave the sceptre and the isle,—
Well-loved of me, discerning to fulfil
This labour, by slow prudence to make mild
A rugged people, and thro' soft degrees
Subdue them to the useful and the good.
Most blameless is he, centred in the sphere
Of common duties, decent not to fail
In offices of tenderness, and pay
Meet adoration to my household gods,
When I am gone. He works his work, I mine.

         There lies the port; the vessel puffs her sail:
There gloom the dark, broad seas. My mariners,
Souls that have toil'd, and wrought, and thought with me—
That ever with a frolic welcome took
The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed
Free hearts, free foreheads—you and I are old;
Old age hath yet his honour and his toil;
Death closes all: but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks:
The long day wanes: the slow moon climbs: the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends,
'T is not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.