February 28th, 2018


Hospital night 2

She can't get comfortable. I dont understand how she wants me to move the pillow. There's noises from outside the room i cant turn off. Shes keeps getting upset with me when i explain that i cant turn off those noises.
tonight is so rough.. She's so cranky and so upset and thinks the nurses are hiding from her cause they didnt immediately bring her 2 more pillows in addition to the 3 she already has. Its rough..it was quiet for a couple hours..now it's complicated. She's getting upset about having to wait and i keep trying to explain that there's other people on the floor too and a limited number of nurses. She keeps saying she's in pain when she's actually just uncomfortable but can't be descriptive for the nurses. She's still pulling out her oxygen thing. But it's back up to 97% with it in.

I think something's actually wrong. shes sleeping like pop did with her mouth open. she didnt used to do that before.

She keeps saying she's not ready to go and that she still has things to do and asking what becomes of human beings

my mom left to go back to teach a class or something. shell maybe come back tomorrow. shes the only one who really knows how to handle things. i really dont want to talk to anyone. i can give her sips of water and move her pillows ans rub her legs and neck. but i dont want to talk to her brother. or mine. or anyone

im not ready for any of this. we just got back the other day. i just wanted a couple days to lay around and organize my life a little before having to work ridiculous and exhausting hours.

i dont want her to feel alone for one second.

ive been crying heavy silent tears for an hour.
i wont have anyone who cares about me like this when im old. and even if i magically did, i dont know any other way to not feel completely alone

i brought her the soft tissues from the house

i wish i could sleep at all in this hospital chair.

why is in between 3 and 6am always the most difficult.

does anyone ever feel peace?