April 23rd, 2018


nanas and anxiety

cw grandmas, anxiety, alzheimers, death, depression

i went to my storage unit. i got out a bunch of things. i have someone coming to look at the plastic dressers tomorrow..i got home and put the clothes away where i keep them and my grandma gave me shit for putting stuff in pops closet because it's messy. which is where ive had everything (not even a lot of stuff..just a little bit at a time) after I'm the one who cleaned and donated everything after he passed last year. (which I'm still dealing emotionally with)

when I'm home and have time i work on it, i do. ive actually gotten a suprising amount done in the past 2 weeks despite working 3 jobs a day with barely any rest. i repeatedly explain to her that I'm actively working on it constantly and this is what i need to be productive. she isnt even using the space and there's still room if she does want it. but then she'll continuously  makes me feel like shit every time I'm actually productive.

she thinks I'm just trying to mess up her house all the time intentionally and that i dont do anything productive ever. when the reality is the only time i can even get stuff done without being harassed about everything else that's mine in the house is when she's not here. i told her it gives me anxiety and isn't helpful when she says those things to me. she told me that i dont have anxiety (like I'm making it up) and then got mad at me when i explained to her that if I'm telling her i feel a certain way, she doesn't get to tell me those feelings don't exist.

she has a bad memory and possibly the beginning of Alzheimer's. but she's afraid to actually get tested for something like that if there's even testing. i try to make peace with her after these interactions happen because i dont want her to feel bad. i know she doesnt intentionally want me to feel bad. but having to keep repeating the same exhausting conversations which make me noticably upset in my face and tone gets to be too much sometimes.

i want to be home or spend more time with her on my days off. but a lot of the time i just want to lay in bed because i never get to. but then she'll make me feel like shit because i dont want to sit up on the couch or watch fox news with her (which ive repeatedly told her i dont want to hear anything political from her or anyone on tv. i know my ideals and she doesn't understand what's actually going on in the world anyway and then will tell me I'm wrong when i correct her about something) or drive 45 min to some restaurant she cant remember the name of.  plus the anxiety of having conversations with anyone including/especially her is exhausting because it ends up in a disagreement or her asking abouy my ex who i dont really speak to even though i wish i could or asking about friend's she remembers but aren't actually my friends anymore or people who have died recently who she forgot have died. it all brings up so much emotional shit for me because i haven't and still don't know how to process those feelings about all the people and things she mentions.

she doesn't understand depression even though I'm sure she feels it but thinks it's a different feeling. she doesnt understand how i can be sad or upset all the time and i am. i dont know any way else to be if I'm not on tour or behind a table. i dont want her to see me like this ever. I'd like her to think I'm happy and satisfied in my life. but realistically i won't ever be. trauma and neglect made me this way. every time i think I'm getting better, I'm not.

it also kills me that she continally forgets these conversations cause she goes on with her merry ways and whatever shes doing and I'm left dwelling on everything forever.