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one year [26 Sep 2018|02:34am]
a year without you and i still miss you

i know we're both better off and living our best lives but you're still with me every day

a year growing my hair out and i miss it shaved every day but i haven't shaved it yet

a year without my grandpa is still weighing heavily on me

a year without mary prankster when there was a glimmer of hope that we would have her is torture

a year of doing more for my grandma and more for myself has been exhausting and i hope she remembers the times we spent together

another year of gaining and losing friends has been eye opening

another year of watching nobody believe and listen to women has been more disheartening than anything else i've experienced.

a year of extreme sadness and depression turned into elation and wonder for the future

another year of live music saving my life.
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be kind [26 Sep 2018|02:21pm]
dan popejoy killed himself.

his last words on fb were "be kind"

but he didn't show me kindness.

before he was "famous" he was someone who disrespected me intimately then never talked to me again for years and deleted me from facebook. he started this charity that supposedly helped people. but when my mom donated over 12 bags of clothes and kitchen items he couldn't even get me the receipt he promised for her. we would agree on a time and place to meet to donate more things and he would no call/no show. when I'd see him at shows or at his charity bar he was cordial. he'd ask me for help but never follow through when i offered to help even when i didn't want to. but the music community was/is more important than my disdain for him. now all these people are coming out of the woodwork saying how amazing he was as a person and how much he cared. but did he really care? he left his business partners and family in a lurch. but then also why is his charity under investigation because no one really knows where the donations and money went to. if he was so legit, why was he selling shitty drugs out of his bar. why didn't he practice good business ethics if that's what he claimed to be about. why wasn't he actually kind or honest about anything he was doing. just falsities. lies under a calm face. i didn't reach out to him for any type of friendly conversation but why should i have?

his death is bringing the lake worth community together again. as most deaths/suicides/Ods do. they make t shirts and put on a benefit show to raise funds for the family. but is it in vain because he wasn't actually the nice person everyone claims he was. or do i just feel this way because he wasn't nice to me when there wasn't any cause for it. what did he actually do for the community that didn't have suspicion behind it.

i didn't like him but i didn't wish him death. i just wanted him to be a better person. or move away. he had so many other options which he chose not to take. everyone is sad surrounding his death. i'm not. i feel bad that don't feel worse. I know everyone struggles with their own demons. but if you have other options and you don't exhaust all of them before you choose to take your own life, then you didn't deserve your life. he could've done a lot of good with his platform of where he was at, but he didn't. he started something and didn't follow through or really know what he was doing. now he's left his partners and friends to figure out all of his shit. there were other options

he could've just been nice and maybe his life would've been different.
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