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cruise. family. moving. stuff [13 Apr 2019|12:18am]
cw a lot of complaining about my hurt feelings and life issues

everyone else had a really good time on the cruise. i had to get up at 5:30/6am every single fucking day. even on days nana didn't want to go to the classes, she went back to sleep and i laid there, awake, wishing i was legitimately dead rather than feeling the body spazms from being so violently annoyed and awake for no reason. Being up that early and ALL DAY with barely any sleep cause nana kept the room 100 degrees and turned it warmer every time she got up to go to the bathroom to the point where i was sweating and got so dehydrated it caused a massive heat exhaustion which hurt my body for days is ridiculous and unhealthy. i even got her four extra blankets she made excuses to not sleep under. But my physical and mental health didn't matter to her no matter how many times i pleaded with her. my mom offered me to sleep on the couch in her and jacks room. i'm like okay, y'all got me this ticket to take care of nana, but i cant sleep in my own bed or have any sense of being remotely comfortable? everyone seemed super inconsiderate and With no escape or time for myself, it caused massive stress, anxiety and more body pain. even when i was walking around the boat at night with my headphones on, there was still thousands of people on the boat that i had to fake smile at, use my energy to make others feel better, or make elevator small talk. no relief for me though, no escape. no relaxation, no vacation, no one cared, no one still cares. my family definitely doesn't care and made that very apparent. i have a feeling i'll always be some hooligan delinquent to them whose opinions and feelings don't matter to them at all. my mom consciously avoided me the entire time and i called her out on it and she laughed in my face and was like "i just needed a break" .. in my head i'm like Needed a break?!. I barely see you and talk to you cause you're always busy but okay. she couldn't spend more than 5 minutes with me and nana, let alone any actual time that was just the two of us. she couldnt even just walk around silent with me and hold my hand. or i guess just didn't want to. It really fucking hurts when i'm such a burden to my own mother she makes excuses to not spend time with me. I guess i'm too different from everyone in my family. my step siblings have babies now. they're all doctors and computer specialists. i've been a union member for 9 years but that ain't shit to them. they gloat about me in front of people cause i built the stage for the pope in 2008 and do theatre productions and then tell me to get real jobs or do something different with my life to make money because apparently my dreams and life goals don't matter. they told me they'd give me a ride home but didn't actually have room for me, then called me a lyft while nana was in the bathroom so i didn't even get to say goodbye to her.

they told me the house isn't selling so they want to rent it out instead of letting us stay there and save money even though they don't actually need the money. all i do is ask for more time and no one gives a definitive answer. but also no one asks me why because they don't care. we still don't have enough to move into somewhere new, i cant even apply because i need my tax return which i don't have because i had to file an extension because i was apparently missing a w2 but i have no clue which one since i get so many and that it wouldn't be available to finish until mid may. i need the tax return because i don't get regular pay stubs and it is the only other option they'll take for most apartments. my car keeps breaking even though i just put in over $2000 based off the employees recommendation to keep my car. the new manager person made me feel worse while i was crying my fucking eyes out in the office there. like if you pay over $2000, you'd expect your car to not fuck up every single time you turn it on. i will never take my car back there and it's so depressing because they've been decent and honest for the past 6 years and all of a sudden within 3-4 months everything has changed. what the fuck is that about. and i have my car insurance i still have to pay on it while getting a dentist treatment this week but we're supposed to move out within the next 3 weeks. it's so unrealistic. I leave for a tour may 3rd to the 18th, my brother's wedding is may 24-26th and then i leave again may 31st to june 16th. i have a bunch of work this week and next week, bf works every day but 2pm to midnight or later. and he's dealing with his own family stuff cause his brother has a brain tumor and might die. but my family would rather make money off this house than to actually help me.

the decent things about the cruise was obviously the food. the indian food was better than the rest of the food. more flavorful. i ate meat and felt awful about it and still do. but it was delicious and perfectly cooked. it hurt my body and my heart and i constantly wonder why i have so much control when it comes to other things but not food even though i feel so awful and i know it's all wrong. some of the shows were decent, all the actors/staff was super friendly/super talented. but a bunch of it wasn't my taste. only one out of the 4 comedians were actually funny. the lighting was incredible. for not that big of a stage, it was an electric rig with lovely gobos. and the stage had a rotating floor/secret elevating spots that was dope. the ports in the islands didn't smell like the ocean even though it was surrounded by it. i thought that was strange.
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