cruise. family. moving. stuff

cw a lot of complaining about my hurt feelings and life issues

everyone else had a really good time on the cruise. i had to get up at 5:30/6am every single fucking day. even on days nana didn't want to go to the classes, she went back to sleep and i laid there, awake, wishing i was legitimately dead rather than feeling the body spazms from being so violently annoyed and awake for no reason. Being up that early and ALL DAY with barely any sleep cause nana kept the room 100 degrees and turned it warmer every time she got up to go to the bathroom to the point where i was sweating and got so dehydrated it caused a massive heat exhaustion which hurt my body for days is ridiculous and unhealthy. i even got her four extra blankets she made excuses to not sleep under. But my physical and mental health didn't matter to her no matter how many times i pleaded with her. my mom offered me to sleep on the couch in her and jacks room. i'm like okay, y'all got me this ticket to take care of nana, but i cant sleep in my own bed or have any sense of being remotely comfortable? everyone seemed super inconsiderate and With no escape or time for myself, it caused massive stress, anxiety and more body pain. even when i was walking around the boat at night with my headphones on, there was still thousands of people on the boat that i had to fake smile at, use my energy to make others feel better, or make elevator small talk. no relief for me though, no escape. no relaxation, no vacation, no one cared, no one still cares. my family definitely doesn't care and made that very apparent. i have a feeling i'll always be some hooligan delinquent to them whose opinions and feelings don't matter to them at all. my mom consciously avoided me the entire time and i called her out on it and she laughed in my face and was like "i just needed a break" .. in my head i'm like Needed a break?!. I barely see you and talk to you cause you're always busy but okay. she couldn't spend more than 5 minutes with me and nana, let alone any actual time that was just the two of us. she couldnt even just walk around silent with me and hold my hand. or i guess just didn't want to. It really fucking hurts when i'm such a burden to my own mother she makes excuses to not spend time with me. I guess i'm too different from everyone in my family. my step siblings have babies now. they're all doctors and computer specialists. i've been a union member for 9 years but that ain't shit to them. they gloat about me in front of people cause i built the stage for the pope in 2008 and do theatre productions and then tell me to get real jobs or do something different with my life to make money because apparently my dreams and life goals don't matter. they told me they'd give me a ride home but didn't actually have room for me, then called me a lyft while nana was in the bathroom so i didn't even get to say goodbye to her.

they told me the house isn't selling so they want to rent it out instead of letting us stay there and save money even though they don't actually need the money. all i do is ask for more time and no one gives a definitive answer. but also no one asks me why because they don't care. we still don't have enough to move into somewhere new, i cant even apply because i need my tax return which i don't have because i had to file an extension because i was apparently missing a w2 but i have no clue which one since i get so many and that it wouldn't be available to finish until mid may. i need the tax return because i don't get regular pay stubs and it is the only other option they'll take for most apartments. my car keeps breaking even though i just put in over $2000 based off the employees recommendation to keep my car. the new manager person made me feel worse while i was crying my fucking eyes out in the office there. like if you pay over $2000, you'd expect your car to not fuck up every single time you turn it on. i will never take my car back there and it's so depressing because they've been decent and honest for the past 6 years and all of a sudden within 3-4 months everything has changed. what the fuck is that about. and i have my car insurance i still have to pay on it while getting a dentist treatment this week but we're supposed to move out within the next 3 weeks. it's so unrealistic. I leave for a tour may 3rd to the 18th, my brother's wedding is may 24-26th and then i leave again may 31st to june 16th. i have a bunch of work this week and next week, bf works every day but 2pm to midnight or later. and he's dealing with his own family stuff cause his brother has a brain tumor and might die. but my family would rather make money off this house than to actually help me.

the decent things about the cruise was obviously the food. the indian food was better than the rest of the food. more flavorful. i ate meat and felt awful about it and still do. but it was delicious and perfectly cooked. it hurt my body and my heart and i constantly wonder why i have so much control when it comes to other things but not food even though i feel so awful and i know it's all wrong. some of the shows were decent, all the actors/staff was super friendly/super talented. but a bunch of it wasn't my taste. only one out of the 4 comedians were actually funny. the lighting was incredible. for not that big of a stage, it was an electric rig with lovely gobos. and the stage had a rotating floor/secret elevating spots that was dope. the ports in the islands didn't smell like the ocean even though it was surrounded by it. i thought that was strange.

Moving stress

Nothing is better..everything is significantly more stressful and now my mom is mad at me cause i said fuck in a text message and is deciding to cut off my phone while I'm not even gonna be in town. When she knows i have to pay my car insurance. In the middle of trying to find an apartment..like okay that's not super petty at all. All the while blaming me for an issue she unnecessarily caused when I'm literally the only one here doing anything in the house.  FOR THEM

I wake up early and depressed every day but continue to do all this for my family who clearly doesn't appreciate me or consider me in any conversations regarding this family or the selling of this house.

Why tell me i can come to you with problems and concerns if you're gonna shoot me down and make me feel inadequate for feeling in general.. You're the one who gave me these feelings..i never asked to be born or raised the way i was with all the trauma you chose to ignore..but sure, telling me to just get over it Will totally help.

I'm not going on the first week of tour today even though i put a ton of my own effort into getting a free ride up and paying out of pocket i can't afford to get a ride to my next tour. Cause trying to live your dreams while living in chaos is/was still possible.. But no..not for me...it's really hard to accept that all my dreams are so dependant on others. I can't achieve anything i want without help and no one i love or consistently support will actually help.. So easily replaceable by random strangers who don't care about you, the music, or the merch

Now I'll be stuck in this house with my mom and uncle who continually don't understand me and don't try to. Everything i do is apparently for nothing. Why do i continue...with anything.

I dont want to argue or fight..everything is stressful enough as it is

todd from DFD

on top of everything

my grandma is gone. she's at my moms.

my mom originally said she wanted to wait to sell the house.. now all of a sudden it's going on the market next week.. LESS THAN A FUCKING WEEK SINCE SHE'S BEEN GONE. she wants to have it sold by May. which isn't a long time actually.

i thought i'd have some time at least. to save something. but actually my car just fucking broke again so there goes the rest of my fucking savings. it's completely depleted. and i only have one job this next week. which i need my car for. so i have to pay over $1300 today. cool

i'm used to relying on myself for everything and now i have to be super dependent on my bf, which is whatever, he's stoked to do it. super supportive. but for me, it's not okay. i'm used to having actual work. on a semi regular basis.

now i'm significantly more overwhelmed with trying to pack up this house and continually take things 4 hours each way to my moms house.. while continually trying to get work and packing and organizing my own things and being considerate of the other person living with me without flipping out. it's pretty difficult to maintain a fake happy about everything going on.

i need help or work or something else.. and i don't know where to get any of these things
blue rose

goodbye nana

cw grandmas, leaving, feelings,

my grandma leaves tomorrow and i'm super emotional

my boyfriend drank too much and threw up in my bed this morning. he doesn't remember throwing up last night either. he feels really bad and made my grandma and mom and their friends a really fancy dinner and is doing all the dishes.

living in this big house with my boyfriend and not my grandma is not how i thought this year would go.

my mom being here is surprisingly calming.

i know it's really for the best that she's going, but i'm still not ready and i keep crying super randomly and i wish i could just stop


Cw grandmas, hospitals, probably not coming home. Didnt get the job i wanted

My grandma is in the hospital again. She most likely isnt coming home this time. Probably get transferred to a rehab up by my mom's house.
I almost flew home early the other day from tour but I'm home sunday. I knew it would happen eventually, i just thought I'd have more time.

I'll have to find a new place to live. Change my entire life since it's been primarily dedicated to my grandparents since i moved to florida.

I'm not really ready for any of this and I'm not even home yet.

My bf has been an angel and gone to see her, brought her stuff from the house, checks on her every day.  I'm so grateful even though i feel guilty because it is my responsibility. Not his. But he loves her and has his own special relationship with her so he's just doing everything he can.

I also didnt get the merch job for Hamilton. Ive been emailing this lady since April. And the ONE FUCKING EMAIL she didn't get was the important one with the availability and everything. But she got my followup emails and the resend of the original but it was still too late. Ive been waiting for this for three fucking years.  But its fine. I can dedicate myself to nana in my time home..until i leave again

Hopefully my heart will be okay by then

But I'm really fucking sad



Apparently nana probably isn't coming home from the hospital and/or rehab.

My heart isn't ready


Tour schedule

Right now i have

Joey harkum
jan 28 to feb 4 - florida/virgin islands

Ether california tour with yeshira
feb 14 to march 4th ish

Dirty wax with jason devore, mike pinto and russ baum florida run
March 8 to 18th


New Orleans

Cw anti abortionist in new orleans, almost violence

There were some anti abortionists on the street harassing people after the people there asked them to leave. Two guys in my band got in their faces until they left. The antiabortionists made a tarot reader cry. Some of them were 15 years old. Why do they care so much? Are they gonna pay for all the born unwanted children they are causing or trying to "save"? They have nothing better to do with their time in new orleans except harass women on the street until they cry? They claimed one of my dudes assaulted them by taking their phone when we didnt actually touch them. I almost broke their sign and heavily thought about punching them in the fucking face. The cops showed up and we dipped.

This band is unprofessional and they're awful to each other and this tour has been kind of hard for me but they always stand up for what's right and i love them for that 💜

super lemons!

Things i want

Portable camera stand

Maybe a new/different lens

Over the ear headphones

Large sized music player

Steele toe black work shoes

Tour shoes

Pelican 1510 or one or two sizes bigger

Tour luggage

Car good for travel. Low milage. Under $5000

Hamilton tickets

To see more turtles

More island and europe tours

A sense of fulfillment again


To ease Nana's soul as she gets older

Cheaper and more accessible good vegan food

Money to give to bands and ilyse

Self inflating air mattress that is quiet while blowing up


todd from DFD

10 08

on 10 08 i got a dog fashion disco tattoo
on 10 08 i share this day with ilyse as it's the same day she got her dfd tattoo 7 years ago
on 10 08 i rode a bike over six miles
on 10 08 i saw sea lions and so many birds
on 10 08 i ate delicious tacos and then sushi and ramen that night
on 10 08 i did laundry and repacked my bag
on 10 08 i still got to sleep in a bed even after our hosts got back from their vacation
on 10 08 i listened to music i haven't heard in years
on 10 08 i am grateful that we have another day off in san diego but i'm also so very ready to get back to the shows
on 10 08 i got asked on another tour from nov 23 to dec 23rd
on 10 08 i hope i dream about all the hugs i got today and all the hugs i'll get when i get home