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DivaVivaLeFreek's delusional thoughts [entries|friends|calendar]
viva

[ website | viva sigal sahar ]
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10 08 [09 Oct 2018|05:20am]
on 10 08 i got a dog fashion disco tattoo
on 10 08 i share this day with ilyse as it's the same day she got her dfd tattoo 7 years ago
on 10 08 i rode a bike over six miles
on 10 08 i saw sea lions and so many birds
on 10 08 i ate delicious tacos and then sushi and ramen that night
on 10 08 i did laundry and repacked my bag
on 10 08 i still got to sleep in a bed even after our hosts got back from their vacation
on 10 08 i listened to music i haven't heard in years
on 10 08 i am grateful that we have another day off in san diego but i'm also so very ready to get back to the shows
on 10 08 i got asked on another tour from nov 23 to dec 23rd
on 10 08 i hope i dream about all the hugs i got today and all the hugs i'll get when i get home
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tour two weeks in [03 Oct 2018|10:47pm]
tour is amazing

i climbed a mountain today and didn't die coming back down. we walked through abandoned train tunnels. we were above the clouds. it was rainy and terrifying. i pissed on top of the mountain while the others were off somewhere else.

i get to see ilyse in two days. <3 <3 <3

i've already made more money in two weeks than i have on any other tour. hopefully i'll be able to save it.

the boys are sweet and kind and accommodating. its surprising how much they apologize for things that aren't their fault. it must be a maryland thing. growing up in some kind of suffrage and heartache. but you can hear that in the songs anyway

i've gotten a bed every night. that never happens. i've barely spent any money, which is amazing.

i miss my boyfriend and getting all the kisses though. he's doing well at his job and has patience with nana. even though he's getting more frustrated which is understandable, but he still explains everything to her with patience and she eventually sees it his way even though she forgets soon after. i hope he still likes me when i get back.

almost sold out of merch. sold over $2000 in a week and a half. we had to order more. we couldn't get more hats in time but more shirts are on the way. killin it. they're talking about a florida tour in january and to st thomas.

i'm definitely going to frozen harbor music festival this year. it might be the last one. i'd turn down hamilton to go. that's how much i want to go. joey said he'd fly me up to sell merch.

utah was beautiful. we stayed at a feed the scene type house overlooking a mountain that had a hot tub. we ate frozen pizzas and took dabs

colorado was beautiful and we got so much free food and free weed. some people didn't come out who said they were going to. but some people did come out. i had the best jambalaya of my life in pueblo.

iowa was surprisingly wild, but not surprisingly filled with old shitty white guys making shitty "joking" comments to me.

pittsburgh was mellow but the opening bands were incredible and i met another tall ginger whos also named ryan who plays in the band. we're best friends now. aka we occasionally message each other pictures of clouds. he's definitely on my vibe.

ohio was rad. tropidelic is amazing forever. i got a free patch that fit right on the front of my vest.

chicago was cold. we stayed with gabe. even though all the guys slept in the van when there was more than enough room inside. my cousins came to say hi. donovan showed up after the show and was super funny and we hugged a bunch. we saw the bean. it was shiny.


really though... I GET TO SEE ILYSE IN TWO DAYS
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be kind [26 Sep 2018|02:21pm]
dan popejoy killed himself.

his last words on fb were "be kind"

but he didn't show me kindness.

before he was "famous" he was someone who disrespected me intimately then never talked to me again for years and deleted me from facebook. he started this charity that supposedly helped people. but when my mom donated over 12 bags of clothes and kitchen items he couldn't even get me the receipt he promised for her. we would agree on a time and place to meet to donate more things and he would no call/no show. when I'd see him at shows or at his charity bar he was cordial. he'd ask me for help but never follow through when i offered to help even when i didn't want to. but the music community was/is more important than my disdain for him. now all these people are coming out of the woodwork saying how amazing he was as a person and how much he cared. but did he really care? he left his business partners and family in a lurch. but then also why is his charity under investigation because no one really knows where the donations and money went to. if he was so legit, why was he selling shitty drugs out of his bar. why didn't he practice good business ethics if that's what he claimed to be about. why wasn't he actually kind or honest about anything he was doing. just falsities. lies under a calm face. i didn't reach out to him for any type of friendly conversation but why should i have?

his death is bringing the lake worth community together again. as most deaths/suicides/Ods do. they make t shirts and put on a benefit show to raise funds for the family. but is it in vain because he wasn't actually the nice person everyone claims he was. or do i just feel this way because he wasn't nice to me when there wasn't any cause for it. what did he actually do for the community that didn't have suspicion behind it.

i didn't like him but i didn't wish him death. i just wanted him to be a better person. or move away. he had so many other options which he chose not to take. everyone is sad surrounding his death. i'm not. i feel bad that don't feel worse. I know everyone struggles with their own demons. but if you have other options and you don't exhaust all of them before you choose to take your own life, then you didn't deserve your life. he could've done a lot of good with his platform of where he was at, but he didn't. he started something and didn't follow through or really know what he was doing. now he's left his partners and friends to figure out all of his shit. there were other options

he could've just been nice and maybe his life would've been different.
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one year [26 Sep 2018|02:34am]
a year without you and i still miss you

i know we're both better off and living our best lives but you're still with me every day

a year growing my hair out and i miss it shaved every day but i haven't shaved it yet

a year without my grandpa is still weighing heavily on me

a year without mary prankster when there was a glimmer of hope that we would have her is torture

a year of doing more for my grandma and more for myself has been exhausting and i hope she remembers the times we spent together

another year of gaining and losing friends has been eye opening

another year of watching nobody believe and listen to women has been more disheartening than anything else i've experienced.

a year of extreme sadness and depression turned into elation and wonder for the future

another year of live music saving my life.
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one year [26 Aug 2018|01:05am]

cw one year death anniversary of my grandpa.  gushing about new boyfriend. feelings. tour

yesterday last year was the last time i saw  pops alive. today's the day last year when i was on tour  and got the call about him. the day he actually died at home in bed before they kept him on a respirator for two days even though that wasnt his wishes. so inside  i want to cry (i mean I'm currently crying so it's also outside)  and I'm really fucking sad. kind of losing my shit every few minutes then recollecting myself...

and then on the outside. my new sweet boyfriend is watching indiana jones being super understanding and amazing every single day for the month we've been seeing each other. he's a trained chef and has engineering degrees and has only been in florida 2 months. he just wants to travel and eat food and see shows. I don't know how i got this lucky but he's very much in love with me. like applied to a ton off jobs and is moving here to be near me. he cashed in his 401 k from his past job he had as a CPT and is gonna fly out and meet me on tours. he buys band merch. he supports live music. he's heard of  bands that i know that no one else knows. He's also seen Megan Jean before multiple times up near Buffalo where he's from. he is responsible. he is a tall ginger who tells me I'm beautiful and how he wants to do everything for me or help me in any way he can because I deserve it literally every day.  he takes my grandma to appointments for me to let me sleep in. he cooks for her and spends time with her while I have to work. when he gets drunk he just talks about how much he loves me and why. He shared all his traumas and concerns in the first week of knowing each other. he's never cheated on or lied to anyone he's been with but because of his past is so worried that i will.  he looks at me like he's about to cry. with wonder and confusion on how i even exist and came to be at his side. he's convinced fate brought us together.  his skin and lips are so soft. we can openly discuss concerns with eachother. he actually listens and remembers things I say. he makes me breakfast in bed. he sets up my laptop so it's always playing music when i come home. he wants me to/lets me drive his car to save the milage on mine cause it's over 200k.  He asks me if I "want" him in a super sexy yet respectful way that turns me on because his voice is sexy and he respects consent. all of my friends I've introduced him to have threatened him about if he hurts me in any way while also telling me I'm glowing and that I've never looked happier. in reality i don't think I've ever in my life had this many consecutive days (aside from today) not depressed. honestly I'm super in it .. but also for me it's still like..it's only been a month and things are so intense and I still have so many trust issues.

but also my current extreme opposite simultaneous feelings regarding my sadness and elation are super fucking with me and today is supposed to be really fun cause it's a friend's birthday and there's beach and a cookout..but i also know I'm gonna lose my shit all day and i don't articulate well in person when I'm in my feelings like that.

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potato [23 Aug 2018|07:03pm]

one of my boyfriend's specialities that he makes is twice baked potatoes. 😍😍😍😍

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joey harkum tour [09 Aug 2018|03:46pm]


Joey Harkum Band Fall tour

9/18 - Buffalo Iron Works - Buffalo, NY
9/19 - Club Cafe - Pittsburgh, PA
9/20 - The Empire Concert Club & Bar - Akron, OH
9/21 - Tavern on the Square - Boonville, IN #
9/22 - Grove Haus - Indianapolis, IN #
9/23 - Subterranean - Chicago, IL
9/25 - Kikkers - Council Bluffs, IA
9/26 - Bodega's Alley - Lincoln, NE
9/27 - Moe's Original BBQ Englewood  - Denver, CO
9/28 - Brues Alehouse Brewing - Pueblo, CO
10/1 - The Royal - Salt Lake City, UT
10/4 - Whiskey Dick's Saloon - South Lake Tahoe, CA
10/5 - Goldfield - Sacramento, CA *
10/10 - Sandbar SB - Santa Barbara, CA $
10/11 - Discovery Ventura - Ventura, CA $
10/12 - Molly Malone's Irish Pub - Los Angeles, CA
10/13 - 710 Beach Club - San Diego, CA
10/14 - Helio Basin Brewing Co. - Phoenix, AZ
10/18 - Sam's Burger Joint Music Hall - San Antonio, TX
10/23 - One World Brewing West - Asheville, NC
10/24 - Martin's Downtown - Roanoke, VA
10/26 - River Street Jazz Cafe - Willkes-Barre, PA &
10/27 - Jax Garage - Seaside Heights, NJ

# - w/ Russ Baum
* - w/ Arden Park Roots
$ - w/ Kyle Smith
& - w/ Flux Capacitor

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boyfriends [02 Aug 2018|01:38am]
apparently i have a boyfriend again as of today.

it's weird and i'm pretty sure it's some elaborate trap.

but he's super nice to me and is into the same stuff i am.

so we'll see how long till i fuck this up too
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never hugging again [27 Jul 2018|11:12pm]

i just broke my friend's rib by hugging him..I'm never hugging anyone again

i felt it.. ive hurt people but I've never broken anyones rib before..im traumatized rn and he's making fun of me..like emphasising his pain around me cause he knows I'm flipping out

im crying in my car.. i feel so fucking awful

he still has to play another set..he's like "ohh ive had broken ribs before"

I'm super not okay about this

dyllan is like begging me not to feel shitty. he was like "i can still sing and that's all that matters, it could've been worse" ... but i started crying again and i had to fucking leave..like i dont know how to not feel shitty about this

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wut [25 Jul 2018|12:52pm]

homeboy gave me a real ruby sapphire bracelet on our 2nd date..

wut

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i met someone [24 Jul 2018|04:59am]

he's single, not a musician but supports live music and feels intense about music. has a corporate job with a 401k but has other aspirations and is actually a chef. bilingual. well travelled and actually wants to go all the places. tall. ginger but loves the beach and ocean. thinks I'm absolutely perfect and thoroughly enjoys telling me exactly how he feels.

this is fucking weird and unexpected.

he lives 4 hours from me but is willing to drive down to see me and for shows.

wtf is going on

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anyone? [20 Jul 2018|01:47pm]
someone just choke me out hard enough until i die..

thx
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4 days left [11 Jul 2018|05:47am]

this tour is nuts and filled with drama. everyone keeps getting in their feelings then having the same conversations about the same issues.

i ran out of food stamps and now I'm $200 in the hole cause everything is expensive everywhere. i doubt I'll get reimbursed anything either but they're probably doing 2-3 months in europe next summer and I'm about that. unfortunatly everything else about the rest of this tour is getting harder to deal with.

Ny today. saw a woman with no legs in a wheelchair pull over on the sidewalk..get butt ass naked and piss all over the sidewalk. she had her whole ass out for a good 10 -15 min though. NJ tonight getting gas, the dude sleeping on the sidewalk at the gas station was our attendant. nj forever sucks and i got a bunch of bugbites inside the venue.

canada was fucking beautiful. our show in montreal got cancelled but we walked around all day and the weather was perfect

everyone wants to go home and there's only 4 days left. i don't want to go home..i just want to lay down/stretch out and take a shower cause it's been days and i have new York/jersey all over me.

the bastard suns shit is still fucking with me but its whatever forever now i guess

my friend walt has been in the hospital for over a month having various surgeries. i really don't want him to die. he and his wife and son have the best, most living relationship and the world really needs that.

the sunrise in Pennsylvania is beautiful but any kind of sleep right now would definitely be more beautiful

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rainbows [27 Jun 2018|01:40am]
i saw three rainbows on the way home from atlanta
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dfd day 2 [25 Jun 2018|02:15am]
the show was good.

but that piece of shit rapist that works at masquerade kind of ruined it every time he walked by. and acted like he was having fun. fuck him. he doesn't deserve to see dog fashion disco or have fun ever. fuck him for existing and fuck him for raping my friend and fuck him for having steady work at a decent venue when there's plenty of qualified people who aren't rapist pieces of shit who could be working there, and fuck everyone at that venue that doesn't care about that and said "well, he didn't rape me" .. maybe you should care about the people you have working for you and the safety of your patrons.

after the show we ended up at clermont lounge which is known for being the most mediocre titty bar ever..which it was.. someone got danielle a lapdance and it was this 70 yr old lady who put in no effort but she was really nice.
my friend brian who was there had a seizure. everyone who worked there said they called EMS but when i called them they said no call had been placed. we had to wait over half hour for anyone to come. security and a few patrons who happened to be nurses helped out in the meantime. some drunk guy who claimed to be a doctor spouted off a bunch of bullshit and then asked us if he wanted us to take him.. like no drunk dude, you cant take our friend somewhere. then apparently he asked another person in our group for blow while waiting on the street for actual ems to show up.

i only got kissed by two people. one was a lady who made out with literally anyone and also got laid the night before. but it was still nice to get attention and the other was a married dude who also made out with that other lady i made out with then lied to me about it like it matters either way. but like why lie to me if we're friends. like everyone in the group knows your situation anyway, so why lie to the people that already know. and i know it's super shitty, but it's still kind of like at least i got kissed by someone who has/had a mild interest in me.
so fucking pathetic.

cat hurt herself, sprained ankle, a cist burst, emotional labor via trauma from friends. but she didn't ask to leave or freak out too much. which was super dope on her part. she stuck with it. she didn't come to the 2nd show which was fine. all those events that happened were barely something I could deal with. i'm proud of her

fuck atlanta as a city though..get your shit together.
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my life story [23 Jun 2018|02:09pm]

when everyone you talked to about getting wild with this weekend shows up with someone or leaves with someone else

at least the shows were good

the kid who got mugged at gunpoint twice last night on our street that showed up banging on our door at 245am for help who's sister wouldnt drive 2.8 miles to pick him up needed my help more

vinnie paul died. and there's still no way to accurately explain to anyone how much pantera actually saved my life

my anxiety/depression is so high that i want to drive home immediately. but then I'd be super depressed at home and missing dfd.

my sister is going back to israel. she says she'll be back but she cheated on her wife and actually has no place to go and isnt putting in effort to find one so realistically I'll never see her again. i miss my other siblings but i have no plans to try and get back to israel any time soon

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my birthday [11 Jun 2018|03:55am]
my birthday was lovely today. everyone made me feel so welcome.
jason devore called me his good friend on stage and actually meant it
mike pinto and an entire room of people sang me happy birthday which was super awkward but it was very sweet. i almost cried
his girlfriend loves me and we're best friends now.
i ate a really big apple
random people were excited about my birthday and gave me really nice hugs
i saw a sticker of a band i used to see when i was 17
everyone kept asking if i needed anything
i managed to fit all of the shirts on one table
a bunch of my friends sent me nudes. people i would have never expected.
these people are so efficient and amazing. i've never worked with anyone like this and it's so wild.
why did i get sad you didn't wish me a happy birthday. even though why should you. it doesnt matter. it's just my first birthday without you also..
i had some good bong hits at the place we're staying at. it's 55 degrees here and super rainy.
i have so many pictures to go through.
i really miss ilyse. her boyfriend has the same birthday as i do.
baltimore is tomorrow. i really hope certain people don't show up. i really hope some other certain people do though
why am i excited about going to parts of ohio i've never been. it's a weird feeling.
why is my heart still so sad. is it everything or something specific? why don't i ever know what it actually is?
i am genuinely surprised at the amount of nudes i got though
i need a new phone charger..forever.. why can't they work longer than 2-3 weeks.

this is a birthday i won't forget though

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwXI4dtNMcU

no cake or cupcakes or ice cream though
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why [09 Jun 2018|11:16pm]

WHY DO I FEEL SO SAD RIGHT NOW

I'm where i want to be with good people

I'm full of food

so why

why does my heart sink

then I'm like oh..it's my first birthday without my grandpa

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birthday week [09 Jun 2018|04:22pm]
aside from my grandma calling today instead of tomorrow my birthday has been mellow. this made me cry because it's the first time she's legitimately forgot. she's getting progressively worse and it's killing me inside because i dont know what to do.

i still miss you and think of you every day. i'm glad you're happy though. sincerely.

i hope i find someone that makes me as happy as touring does. realistically it won't happen. but some real affection and intimacy would be nice.

the tour's been really nice. people ask and value my opinion which is different. people include me in decisions and consider me when they're doing things. we got so much free food that i'm still full. the shows have been really good. all the band guys have been so sweet. watching famous people eat muffins with a fork at 4am is something i won't forget though.
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dreams [02 Jun 2018|12:53pm]

i just had a really intense dream where i was really angry and actively, violently screaming at people to get the fuck out of my face. like including my grandpa . and he walked away super calm and was like I'll be in my office when you're ready to talk..which is weird in general..but i was never ready and i woke up before i could talk to him and now I'm depressed cause i havent dreamt about him. he probably had something important to say even though he didn't feel like my grandpa in the dream. and now I'm crying

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