hand

4 days left

this tour is nuts and filled with drama. everyone keeps getting in their feelings then having the same conversations about the same issues.

i ran out of food stamps and now I'm $200 in the hole cause everything is expensive everywhere. i doubt I'll get reimbursed anything either but they're probably doing 2-3 months in europe next summer and I'm about that. unfortunatly everything else about the rest of this tour is getting harder to deal with.

Ny today. saw a woman with no legs in a wheelchair pull over on the sidewalk..get butt ass naked and piss all over the sidewalk. she had her whole ass out for a good 10 -15 min though. NJ tonight getting gas, the dude sleeping on the sidewalk at the gas station was our attendant. nj forever sucks and i got a bunch of bugbites inside the venue.

canada was fucking beautiful. our show in montreal got cancelled but we walked around all day and the weather was perfect

everyone wants to go home and there's only 4 days left. i don't want to go home..i just want to lay down/stretch out and take a shower cause it's been days and i have new York/jersey all over me.

the bastard suns shit is still fucking with me but its whatever forever now i guess

my friend walt has been in the hospital for over a month having various surgeries. i really don't want him to die. he and his wife and son have the best, most living relationship and the world really needs that.

the sunrise in Pennsylvania is beautiful but any kind of sleep right now would definitely be more beautiful

todd from DFD

dfd day 2

the show was good.

but that piece of shit rapist that works at masquerade kind of ruined it every time he walked by. and acted like he was having fun. fuck him. he doesn't deserve to see dog fashion disco or have fun ever. fuck him for existing and fuck him for raping my friend and fuck him for having steady work at a decent venue when there's plenty of qualified people who aren't rapist pieces of shit who could be working there, and fuck everyone at that venue that doesn't care about that and said "well, he didn't rape me" .. maybe you should care about the people you have working for you and the safety of your patrons.

after the show we ended up at clermont lounge which is known for being the most mediocre titty bar ever..which it was.. someone got danielle a lapdance and it was this 70 yr old lady who put in no effort but she was really nice.
my friend brian who was there had a seizure. everyone who worked there said they called EMS but when i called them they said no call had been placed. we had to wait over half hour for anyone to come. security and a few patrons who happened to be nurses helped out in the meantime. some drunk guy who claimed to be a doctor spouted off a bunch of bullshit and then asked us if he wanted us to take him.. like no drunk dude, you cant take our friend somewhere. then apparently he asked another person in our group for blow while waiting on the street for actual ems to show up.

i only got kissed by two people. one was a lady who made out with literally anyone and also got laid the night before. but it was still nice to get attention and the other was a married dude who also made out with that other lady i made out with then lied to me about it like it matters either way. but like why lie to me if we're friends. like everyone in the group knows your situation anyway, so why lie to the people that already know. and i know it's super shitty, but it's still kind of like at least i got kissed by someone who has/had a mild interest in me.
so fucking pathetic.

cat hurt herself, sprained ankle, a cist burst, emotional labor via trauma from friends. but she didn't ask to leave or freak out too much. which was super dope on her part. she stuck with it. she didn't come to the 2nd show which was fine. all those events that happened were barely something I could deal with. i'm proud of her

fuck atlanta as a city though..get your shit together.
hand

my life story

when everyone you talked to about getting wild with this weekend shows up with someone or leaves with someone else

at least the shows were good

the kid who got mugged at gunpoint twice last night on our street that showed up banging on our door at 245am for help who's sister wouldnt drive 2.8 miles to pick him up needed my help more

vinnie paul died. and there's still no way to accurately explain to anyone how much pantera actually saved my life

my anxiety/depression is so high that i want to drive home immediately. but then I'd be super depressed at home and missing dfd.

my sister is going back to israel. she says she'll be back but she cheated on her wife and actually has no place to go and isnt putting in effort to find one so realistically I'll never see her again. i miss my other siblings but i have no plans to try and get back to israel any time soon

OH YEAH!

my birthday

my birthday was lovely today. everyone made me feel so welcome.
jason devore called me his good friend on stage and actually meant it
mike pinto and an entire room of people sang me happy birthday which was super awkward but it was very sweet. i almost cried
his girlfriend loves me and we're best friends now.
i ate a really big apple
random people were excited about my birthday and gave me really nice hugs
i saw a sticker of a band i used to see when i was 17
everyone kept asking if i needed anything
i managed to fit all of the shirts on one table
a bunch of my friends sent me nudes. people i would have never expected.
these people are so efficient and amazing. i've never worked with anyone like this and it's so wild.
why did i get sad you didn't wish me a happy birthday. even though why should you. it doesnt matter. it's just my first birthday without you also..
i had some good bong hits at the place we're staying at. it's 55 degrees here and super rainy.
i have so many pictures to go through.
i really miss ilyse. her boyfriend has the same birthday as i do.
baltimore is tomorrow. i really hope certain people don't show up. i really hope some other certain people do though
why am i excited about going to parts of ohio i've never been. it's a weird feeling.
why is my heart still so sad. is it everything or something specific? why don't i ever know what it actually is?
i am genuinely surprised at the amount of nudes i got though
i need a new phone charger..forever.. why can't they work longer than 2-3 weeks.

this is a birthday i won't forget though

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwXI4dtNMcU

no cake or cupcakes or ice cream though
hand

why

WHY DO I FEEL SO SAD RIGHT NOW

I'm where i want to be with good people

I'm full of food

so why

why does my heart sink

then I'm like oh..it's my first birthday without my grandpa

WESLEY

birthday week

aside from my grandma calling today instead of tomorrow my birthday has been mellow. this made me cry because it's the first time she's legitimately forgot. she's getting progressively worse and it's killing me inside because i dont know what to do.

i still miss you and think of you every day. i'm glad you're happy though. sincerely.

i hope i find someone that makes me as happy as touring does. realistically it won't happen. but some real affection and intimacy would be nice.

the tour's been really nice. people ask and value my opinion which is different. people include me in decisions and consider me when they're doing things. we got so much free food that i'm still full. the shows have been really good. all the band guys have been so sweet. watching famous people eat muffins with a fork at 4am is something i won't forget though.
hand

dreams

i just had a really intense dream where i was really angry and actively, violently screaming at people to get the fuck out of my face. like including my grandpa . and he walked away super calm and was like I'll be in my office when you're ready to talk..which is weird in general..but i was never ready and i woke up before i could talk to him and now I'm depressed cause i havent dreamt about him. he probably had something important to say even though he didn't feel like my grandpa in the dream. and now I'm crying