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DivaVivaLeFreek's delusional thoughts [entries|friends|calendar]

[ website | viva sigal sahar ]
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finally [01 Jun 2018|11:54pm]

finally starting to be okay
with being alone

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your birthday [27 May 2018|01:51am]
your birthday is coming up soon
you would have been thirty four
there's so much still to see here
so much more than before
but you'll never get to see it
it plagues me every day
the fact is you should be here
it shouldn't be this way
the world is a mess now
i know there's nothing you could do
but your smile definitely would have helped
get us all through
i cant believe it's been a year
since the last time i rhymed
i'm still wearing your earrings
to be with you all the time
i hope this birthday is easier for you
since you aren't here
it's still not easier for any of us
but you're still in all our tears
i know you'd be really proud of me
you were always my biggest fan
sometimes you can't save the empire
but you can always damn the man
it should have been your birthday
you would have been thirty four
we would've done something fun
something wild, something hardcore
i haven't been dreaming lately
but i still think of you every day
the impact you've made on my life
is still more than i can say
happy birthday sweet angel
wyld child full of grace
the feeling in my heart
will never be replaced
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suns [25 May 2018|02:34am]
bastard suns are doing a florida/GA tour in july. at face i'd say i'm handling it pretty well. my insides and emotions are not handling it well. they are playing atlanta shows with beauregard and the downright and the muckers. so i could go up and sell for them depending on whether i'm on a tour or not. i know it would be too emotional for me because it obviously already is. but i still miss them even though clay hates me or whatever. hopefully i'll actually be on a better tour so i have an excuse not to deal with it. but realistically no ones given me any confirmed dates yet...ever

my chest is heavy every day of my life. something lift me up or take me out for good please
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w o w [23 May 2018|11:31am]
anyone ever find an old folder of pictures and videos of you and your ex(es) and then spend all night masturbating and crying?

yeah me either.
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tinder bullshit [07 May 2018|07:21pm]
cw sexual harassment/assault, weed, fuckbois, tinder bullshit, me over using the word "like" a lot because it's how I talk and I never stopped doing it from the 90s, also a long rant of what happened just now

I've been trying to meet new people, mostly i just try to get people to come to shows to meet me. Okcupid banned me and won't tell me why. that was where I met my ex who I was with for six years so I was kind of bummed about it. So I resort to tinder and bumble now. it's mediocre and I swipe no on most people cause they don't seem like people I want to associate with ever tbh. like how many fucking pictures of dead fishes do you need on one profile. OR YOUR MARRIAGE PHOTOS. like really?! anyway today's bullshit is brought to you from someone who was actually cute and made an effort to actually see me.

Today i had limited time, so I invited this tinder dude over. I talked to him a few weeks ago and then i've been out of town so he hit me up today. I told him straight out before hand I wasn't gonna fuck him and that I have limited time and i'm super stressed and all over the place. He comes over, we smoke a bunch of bowls, talk to each other. It's super chill. He starts looking at my tattoos and like super casual light touching my leg (which is where my tattoos are) which was fine, i didn't mind. but then he starts asking about my hair and touching/grabbing my hair. I'm like " yo, i don't really know you yet. You should chill". we start talking more, I tell him i'm from Israel. He tells me how much that turns him on. I start telling him why I don't really care for israel anymore (my neglectful father lives there, etc. - that's a whole other story). He asks about pictures. I pull out my picture portfolio books and start showing him. He tries to get me to sit on his lap. I tell him "no, i like to stand, i'm too manic to sit anyway, plus I don't really know you". So i'm going through my pictures, he stands up and behind me continually hugging all over me, trying to touch my waist, tattoos, hair. I must have pushed him off of me or done the cringey shoulder thing when he got too close to me like 8 different times.

Finally I was like " What don't you understand about I'm not interested in this right now, I told you already."

his response was like "oh sometimes you just feel that connection with people"

I said " it's cool you feel a connection and all but I don't yet, I don't really know you at all and it's kind of disrespectful of you after I asked you not to do that"

He's like "oh i'm not trying to disrespect you, i'm just persistent" ... I told him he should probably leave and he was like "oohhh nooo" and said some other bullshit excuse. I go on with my picture thing again and HE DOES IT AGAIN. so I tell him I have to leave early cause of traffic getting to the place I have to go to and he leaves but is like " Oh when can I see you again".. i was just like "maybe in a couple weeks when I get back" .. aka never

i'm so annoyed more than anything. like the ONE TIME I actually agree to meet up with someone. I was up front the entire time. WHAT IS SO FUCKING HARD TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT NO. BE FUCKING CHILL.

but please, talk to me about how you believe in god some more first.

fucking asshole

now i'm late for my appointment cause i'm in a weird violated rage.
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happy birthday pops [01 May 2018|01:08am]

its pops birthday.

our first one without him

i really thought since i knew it was coming i could handle it better. but really I'm still a mess. every day since he passed and nothing's gotten easier in regards to my emotions about him.

nothing gets easier with time

everything is a lie

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nanas and anxiety [23 Apr 2018|05:13pm]

cw grandmas, anxiety, alzheimers, death, depression

i went to my storage unit. i got out a bunch of things. i have someone coming to look at the plastic dressers tomorrow..i got home and put the clothes away where i keep them and my grandma gave me shit for putting stuff in pops closet because it's messy. which is where ive had everything (not even a lot of stuff..just a little bit at a time) after I'm the one who cleaned and donated everything after he passed last year. (which I'm still dealing emotionally with)

when I'm home and have time i work on it, i do. ive actually gotten a suprising amount done in the past 2 weeks despite working 3 jobs a day with barely any rest. i repeatedly explain to her that I'm actively working on it constantly and this is what i need to be productive. she isnt even using the space and there's still room if she does want it. but then she'll continuously  makes me feel like shit every time I'm actually productive.

she thinks I'm just trying to mess up her house all the time intentionally and that i dont do anything productive ever. when the reality is the only time i can even get stuff done without being harassed about everything else that's mine in the house is when she's not here. i told her it gives me anxiety and isn't helpful when she says those things to me. she told me that i dont have anxiety (like I'm making it up) and then got mad at me when i explained to her that if I'm telling her i feel a certain way, she doesn't get to tell me those feelings don't exist.

she has a bad memory and possibly the beginning of Alzheimer's. but she's afraid to actually get tested for something like that if there's even testing. i try to make peace with her after these interactions happen because i dont want her to feel bad. i know she doesnt intentionally want me to feel bad. but having to keep repeating the same exhausting conversations which make me noticably upset in my face and tone gets to be too much sometimes.

i want to be home or spend more time with her on my days off. but a lot of the time i just want to lay in bed because i never get to. but then she'll make me feel like shit because i dont want to sit up on the couch or watch fox news with her (which ive repeatedly told her i dont want to hear anything political from her or anyone on tv. i know my ideals and she doesn't understand what's actually going on in the world anyway and then will tell me I'm wrong when i correct her about something) or drive 45 min to some restaurant she cant remember the name of.  plus the anxiety of having conversations with anyone including/especially her is exhausting because it ends up in a disagreement or her asking abouy my ex who i dont really speak to even though i wish i could or asking about friend's she remembers but aren't actually my friends anymore or people who have died recently who she forgot have died. it all brings up so much emotional shit for me because i haven't and still don't know how to process those feelings about all the people and things she mentions.

she doesn't understand depression even though I'm sure she feels it but thinks it's a different feeling. she doesnt understand how i can be sad or upset all the time and i am. i dont know any way else to be if I'm not on tour or behind a table. i dont want her to see me like this ever. I'd like her to think I'm happy and satisfied in my life. but realistically i won't ever be. trauma and neglect made me this way. every time i think I'm getting better, I'm not.

it also kills me that she continally forgets these conversations cause she goes on with her merry ways and whatever shes doing and I'm left dwelling on everything forever.

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BUT WHY THO [19 Apr 2018|11:07am]
screams internally forever
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venue list..as good as it's gonna get [17 Apr 2018|03:47pm]
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nothing to say [14 Apr 2018|05:19pm]
apparently i don't know what to say to anyone.

about literally anything.

send help while i die in solitude with no friends or basic human interaction
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mjkfb [07 Apr 2018|07:00pm]

i dont know how much it means coming from me but I'm really proud of you. the struggles and heartache you've had to overcome to be yourself and the way you continue to handle yourself is inspiring to me as i struggle to do the same in my own way. even if i dont have anything to show for it except that I'm still alive. I'm so grateful you exist and that you decide to share your art with me (and everyone)

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my heart [07 Apr 2018|03:19am]
my heart
will it ever stop hurting?

not even about you right now, i really just miss your friendship now more than anything.. but just in general.

why should i be consistently surprised that everyone is significantly inconsiderate.

why are the only people interested in me married or have girlfriends.

why do tall people stand directly in front of me at shows.

why was i banned from okcupid and why won't anyone return my emails.

why can't the people i love just give me confirmed dates for the tours i want to go on.

why is everyone so full of hate

why does my grandma keep bringing up politics but ignoring very true facts she thinks isn't real. then telling me not to get upset when i'm obviously very upset about all of it all the time and constantly ask her not to bring it up but she does anyway then doesnt like what i have to say. THEN STOP BRINGING IT UP NANA.

why won't skunk anansie ever tour the US.

why do i have so much will power with some things but not the other things i really want it for.

why do i constantly get shit on for trying to practice self care. then whenever i finally get a chance to, i'm always super anxious about it and feel judged and pressured when no one is even around

why is my hair growing in so fucking weird and unruly

why am i still so butthurt about clay deleting me but keeping other people he actively hates. or is it just about the suns and the fact i won't be there anymore

why can't people actually just be honest with me about things.

why can't i sleep ever
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lake worth [31 Mar 2018|02:01am]
lake worth felt very lake worth tonight

the movement is so good live. every time.
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you [29 Mar 2018|03:27am]
i still miss you

every time i think i'm ready to be regular friends

i keep getting intense longing feelings

i dont know what to do
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okcupid [24 Mar 2018|01:28pm]

apparently I'm banned from okcupid..but they won't tell me why

so much for trying to catch a date ever

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new york is so new york [20 Mar 2018|10:52pm]

we got parking tickets every day even though there was no signage indicating we couldn't park there

we hit a cop car while the cop saw and he didn't do anything

we scream FLLOORRIIIDDAAA ..whenever we do something wild..like busting a u turn and cutting people off

they're silly and passionate. they talk about music and their interests and how much they love each other. while also making fun of each other the whole time

they actually appreciate me and include me in everything and ask for my opinions on things and mean it.

apparently our singer's dog back home chewed through the fence, ran away, jumped into the new neighbors car, hung out for like 15 minutes. apparently they're also vegan and want to meet him

i fell the other day and busted my tailbone..it hurts to sit..or move..or clench.. everything hurts. it feels bruised but isnt bruised. cause apparently I'm not in enough pain already.

they love to listen to the music they create on drives.

they've all been sick except me but they constantly check in with each other to see how they are and if they need help.

they actively talk about what they can do to better themselves as a band

vegan food is delicious so i might just stay on this path for a while

one year for brit. nothing is easier and nothing makes sense

i will most likely actually be homeless next year if they move nana to a home.

the amount of lonliness i feel is less surprising than before but still not any easier

snow is still the worst

its unfortunate that i most likely wont get paid anything for this tour especially cause i paid $140 to meet up with them but its been nice and weird and wild but also mellow at the same time

six days left

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Fuck you tom rose [05 Mar 2018|03:44pm]

The letter i wrote my union office today after last night

Id like to file a complaint against Tom Rose

Last night at the broward performing arts center, he grabbed Tina's butt. Unsolicited. They aren't even friends or friendly. It was completely uncalled for and inappropriate. There was 5 to 8 people who witnessed the incident. And while i appreciate Lou rightfully throwing him off the call, Tom continued to scream about union brotherhood and how unfair it was that he had to leave. That's outrageous in general. He is not our brother and has shown no desire to be one.

I'm incredibly enraged about this particularly because I've been witness to now countless times over the years to him sexually harassing women. Or just harassing people in general.

How many times do we need to complain for someone to hear us and do something about it? How many times can you fine someone and have them to continue their abusive behavior. He's a drain on this union and shouldn't be in it. He does no work, has a constant bad attitude, picks fights with people, and continuously harasses people. However old you are or however long you've been in this union or any union is not a good excuse and you should know better.

We shouldn't have to continually worry about being harassed or groped or made to feel inadequate every single job we take. We are good at what we do and we don't feel safe. That should be important to someone. I hope for the sake of our union, it's important to someone and you.

No one is listening to us. Every man who sees another man do this type of thing never writes them up but will continually say something to us on a job about how messed up it is.

We need to think about how we can change this. Or have some kind of stricter no tolerance policy. Because nothing is changing and we are filled with rage about it.

There was another woman on the call last night, I dont know her name, who's expressed that Tom Rose rubbed himself on her deliberately at another job on more than one occasion but she didn't report it because she didn't want to be harassed about it.

I know I keep repeating myself, but I don't know what else to do to express the consistent disappointment and urgency I feel for everyone involved. This isn't okay ever and we shouldn't stand for it or defend people like this.

Passionately and sincerely,

Viva Sigal Sahar

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RAGE [05 Mar 2018|09:13am]

I worked all day yesterday. All night over night last night where Some old guy grabbed my coworkers ass out of nowhere. And he's known for doing fucked up shit. Taking pictures of girls without their permission , starting fights , not actually working. I'm so sick of this shit. How many times do we have to write someone up before someone takes action. Can't we just go to work and not be sexually harassed every single fucking day. I'm so enraged and no one does anything about it. It always comes down to me. Which i don't want or have the spoons for this type of controversy for a job i don't like that much anymore. But it's union. And union money is good if you can get it. But when will this shit end? As the guy was getting thrown off the call last night he was screaming about union brotherhood. LIKE REALLY DUDE? REALLY? you're no ones fucking brother. You're a pathetic cry for attention because no one likes you and you're  lonely old useless waste of space. Do some fucking work and stop harassing every single female.

And this one lady was defending him on the loadin saying OH HE'S BEEN HERE FOREVER AND WE HAVE TO RESPECT OUR ELDERS
.. FUCK THAT. Why should we respect a known predator. I don't give a fuck how old you are. This is never okay. I'm fucking sick of it.

I tried to calm down last night and i couldn't. My rage is so violently present.

And now I'm at work on 2 hours of sleep while some parkinglot guy was super rude to a bunch of people at 7am. Like why.. Who's day are you making better by being rude that early. And people keep telling me to smile.

I'm so fucking  tired.

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Marcus wade [04 Mar 2018|08:14pm]

I just found out another one of my roadie friends died on February 9th. No one told me. I had no idea. My heart hurts so bad. He was my favorite pyro guy and a good friend since 2012

Im ugly crying in my car before i have to go into my overnight job after working all day. and i have to go in to another job super early tomorrow too.

damn i loved you buddy Rest in power.

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Hope [03 Mar 2018|02:57am]

That glimmer of hope is shining so bright tonight 🎶🌠🎵

possible tour for june with real people with real money to pay . hotel rooms. eventually international maybe. music i love.

please be real

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